Diary: Being sick and alienated

Dear diary (and the people on internet),

have you ever felt like you don’t belong in this place? You have liven the whole life in this same place but still never truly called it home. This is me. I’m the person who fits in perfectly but never feels like truly belonging.

I’m sick. And when I’m sick my thoughts run their own ways and that’s why I want to talk for you about not belonging. Right now my sister is laughing with her friends upstairs and my brother is somewhere catching Pokemons with his friends. They are having fun, they know how to live. It’s good that they don’t seem like me.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my friends, have fun with them and would do anything for them. BUT… Making friends and spending time together has never been natural for me. It feels awkward and I don’t know how to act. Should I send text or wait on from them? Should I invite them to my house? What should we do together? I have never truly got the etiquette of being friends.

When I was younger I used to think that I must be alien from another planet. I never felt like this place was my home. The people around me were mystery for me and still I seemed to see right trough of them. I admit being scared often and thinking that something must be wrong with me.

Now when I am older the feeling of not belonging is still present in everything I do. Something has changed from my earlier days. I know I am not alien but just a individual with strong sense of not wanting to be part of the mass. I have learned to live with myself. I know I’m not the only one feeling like this and that drives me to write. My voice wants to get heard and soul to seen.
With love and mixed thoughts,

Viivi Severina

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