I have been thinking.
Is life really worth living if you do something you don’t love from the bottom of your heart?
Is there really reason to be if you study something just because everyone expects you to do it. Or just because you don’t know what else to do so you just pick out the easiest route.
I have been thinking and it is never a good sign. I think everyone still remembers the last time because it ended up me leaving for Japan for three months. That time I returned even if I felt like it was the wrong decision. Someone asked me why I wouldn’t continue from Japan to Korea and to Taiwan, China, Philippines and to the whole world. I didn’t have answer for them. Everyone was waiting me back at home so I returned. For a few weeks it was okay. For a short moment I felt like I knew where I was going in my life.
And then I didn’t anymore.
I applied to universities but in the end I didn’t want to study any of the subjects. During the exams I was really sick and didn’t get in any of the places. Maybe I should have seen that as a sign to think again my life choices. I didn’t.
My mum found me open place from business school and against my own intuition I went there. What else would have I done? Where else would I have gone?
We are taught that life is long line of things you have to do. First school. Then you start working. The better pay you get the better life you will have. After working a while you will find love, get married, have children, buy your first own home. Then you work a little more until you retire. Perfect happy life.
Expect, I never saw myself living like that.
I never really had any dream professions. For the longest time I told for everyone that I wanted to be veterinarian. And in a way I wanted. When everyone kept asking me what I wanted to do when I grow up I had to come up with some kind of idea. Everyone else had one so of course I also had to have dream. Veterinarian was my choice because if I had to be stuck with one job for the rest of my life at least I would help some animals and humans at the same time.
It took me several years to realize that my dream job would never make me happy. I had decided it because saying veterinarian was easy. Because studying it would be easy and doing it for the rest of my life would be easy. It was job that made everyone else smile because it sounds good, the salary is good, it’s highly admired, it’s something everyone else saw me doing in the future.
I have been thinking and I have many dreams for my own future.
I am not yet quite sure what those dreams are. Only recently I have started to think them more. Today was probably the first day I intentionally began thinking ‘what are my dreams?’
Right now I only know a few things.
- I love writing more than anything. If I could decide, I would write all day everyday.
- Traveling makes me feel like I am truly living.
- Blogging seems to be my thing and I am surprisingly good at it.
- I have made some money writing blog posts and translating files. All the feedback has been positive until now.
- Standing in one place for too long or doing one thing for the rest of my life seems impossible
But what do I want to do with my life?
Is there reason for me to study something I don’t want to do? How can I find the reason for my own life? Is there even way to find the meaning of life? Have some of us just made to live without purpose?
So many questions and no answers.
I have been thinking and I am lost. That’s never good combination.