I don’t know who I’m. I don’t know where I’m going. Lost. So lost in my own body, between being happy and not having the right road to walk.
People keep giving me advice but never anything concrete.
Find your passion.
Do what you love.
Get a proper job.
Remember to study.
Don’t give up.
Just keep going.
How can one find herself? How can you keep going when you know what you want and still you feel stuck? The things I want and need keep changing every second of the day. Right now, writing is my passion. Tomorrow I would love to play games all day long just to want to study psychology the day after that. How can you decide? There’s no way one thing can satisfy me.
I’m writing hundred and one blogs even if it’s too much for me. My drawer is full of half-finished stories waiting for the writer. In my mind everything is good but small things like brushing my teeth can turn my way in the opposite direction. Standing 2 minutes in my dark bathroom only my thoughts keeping me company feels like a death sentence.
What if I’m going towards a wrong lifestyle for me?
What if I end up hating writing after doing it as my job?
Wouldn’t it just be easier to give up?
Why? Why I have to be like this? Why can’t I shut down my brain?
And then everything changes. I never get anywhere because I never give my all to one thing. It’s not because I don’t want, it’s because I don’t know how.
Days go by too fast and I’m left behind wondering where all the time went. So many things I want to do, so many I just have to get done. My time isn’t enough but that may be because most of my weeks are full of writing, reading and talking with friends. The important things wait in my room half finished and never done. I don’t forget them but my mind just keeps pushing them aside.
I will continue tomorrow. Next week. Soon.
A room full of papers with small scribbles, pens in the colors of the rainbow all around my messy floor and books. Books in straight lines on too many shelves, books under my bed forgotten after falling asleep in between pages and books all over the room just sticking from the most surprising places. Stories that are written by me and by the bestselling authors next to each other taking over my bed and nightstand.
I have been sleeping in my guest bed for months.
There’s always music. Either my big speakers are blasting the latest pop songs or then you can hear secretly listened to music from all around the world through my headphones. Whatever is the situation you can hear some kind of music in my life. When I’m sad, happy, writing, lost, planning my next trips, reading, working, cleaning, desperate or escaping from my own life.
Music is my medicine, inspiration and coping mechanism.
Viivi who is prisoner in her life
10 Minutes Thoughts is my blogging series of non-edited writing. I count 10 minutes and write as much as I can and about whatever is in my mind. Sorry for the grammar errors, random thoughts and thing that won’t make sense but this is the real me.
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Photo: Jazmin Quaynor
Sixteenth of December
She was bird, she was cat, she was endless sky with million bats. She lived bravely but scared of everything. Her days were full of sun and moon, sleepy days and sleepless nights. Negatives and positives circled around the body of her. A lifetime of opposites being all she got. Flying like a bird and laying down like a cat. She became everything a small girl could be and still she wasn’t quite like people believed.
She wanted to fly and fly and fly. But there was always that one risk: falling down, breaking wings. Nothing could stop her from dreaming of it. Those beautiful skies full of birds. Huge wings shaking in the wind taking them around the world again and again. She wanted to be like them, a bird with wings so strong she could keep flying and never land. But it wasn’t possible. Not every bird know how to fly. Not every bird can be on the sky. Her wings were cut off, disappeared, taken from her. She was a bird without wings doomed to live forever in the world of those going to die.
She missed the sky but she loved the ground. Sleeping through the day like cat was dream achieved. Doing nothing. Living without purpose. It was perfect until it was not. One day, two days, three days she was okay. Sleep, relax and see dreams. But days four and five and six she lost her will of being silly. Day after day it became harder and harder to stand back up and be like a bird. Sleeping like a cat not knowing about the world felt just fine. But not anyone can live that forever. You start to wonder. What if? What has she missed? Is this all I truly have? Could I have flown if I wings still had?
(This text was written in ten minutes without thinking anything. I did almost no editing and decided to publish it just like this. Nowadays, I call myself a writer. I even study creative writing in uni. But my problem: I write in Finnish. This blog is in English. In my opinion, it’s sometimes good to publish texts that aren’t so great or ready. Maybe in a few years, I can return to this one and see how long way I have gone with my English skills? Or so I hope…)
Viivi Scared of Writing
I procrastinate more than most of the people. If there is any task I have to do before an exact date, it’s 99% possibility that I won’t do it until there are about three hours left. And still, I never return anything late. And usually, my work gets praised. During high school and primary school, this worked just fine. I had a deadline for almost everything and I did well in tests without studying but now when I am officially “adult” everything is a struggle.
At mornings I know exactly what I should do during the day but when I fall asleep at night I have never done everything. With sending emails or making phone calls it gets even worse. For example, right now I have been trying to make one call to my bank for about six months. SIX MONTHS. That’s not an even bad situation in my bad case because one email has been waiting to be sent for 10 months and let’s not even speak about the emails and calls I never made.
Someone, please help me. Is there a way to get out of this endless ring?
Inspirations for today’s text was from this amazing TED Talk.
If you are like me, please watch it and tell your own experiences in the comments!
In this post series, I write 10 minutes without stopping, editing or planning anything. I just write whatever is in my mind and publish it like that.
Expect to see more of this every Thursday!