The first not a date

Fifth of December
I remember the first time someone asked me out. I was eighteen, socially awkward and had never dated anyone. Nothing has changed except my age. At that time I was attending this high school psychology summer course while he was from the Swedish course class next to ours. First time we spoke he asked if he could sit next to me and I had nothing against it.

The next two weeks went by us sitting side by side during the short breaks. I was always listening to music with one headphone on and he kept reading quickly changing books. It was nice I have to admit. I didn’t have to sit alone while everyone else had a friend with them. Then one time he asked me what music I was listening to and after that, we had small conversations every now and then.

He was odd but so was I. One of the last breaks we spent together he started reading love poems in Germany for me. It was probably a sign of interest towards me that anyone else could have seen. I didn’t.

During the last day and last break of my course, I told him that we wouldn’t see anymore. He asked me out. I had no idea that he would do it. And even now I am not sure if he truly wanted to go on date or just see me again as a friend. He asked if I would like to come to the library someday with him. Then I promised to ask him as a friend on Facebook but I never did because I forgot his name before I had time.

I still think of him sometimes even if I never felt anything special towards him. He was the first boy who asked me out –probably- and also the only boy who had asked me out for a few years. Never before had I known that anyone would truly be interested in me.

Next time or better said the next few times happened during my Japan trip. I was never sure if they were interested in me or if it was just a friendly gesture. It was never “Would you like to go out with me?” But isn’t asking someone for coffee kind of the same thing? I have no idea so I have never been sure.

After my Japan trip, it started to happen more occasionally. Not often but every now and then. I realized that when I was traveling other people would get interested in me. Maybe I looked more beautiful or free than back at home? I have no idea why but I gained more attention as a traveler and amongst foreigners than back at home in Finland.

At some point, I came to the closure that it must be that “inner beauty” people so often talk about. I look better when I am happy and free of all worries. Or maybe all those people have just been some creeps that prey on silly traveler girls?

With love,

Undateable Viivi

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Always either lost or sick

I am sick. I should be writing my travel blog. But for some reason I just can’t do anything. I don’t feel like doing anything. I have been sleeping for hours. Last night I got over 13 hours of sleep so even if my body wants to rest my mind just keeps running wild. This is quite normal. One of my best friends put it well a while back: I am always either sick or lost. 

So, here I am writing like always when my mind can’t keep its calm or when it’s hard to fall asleep. Have you ever been like this? Too tired to do anything but too awake to fall asleep. Today I had short conversation with another of my friends of why I am always sick. He didn’t know about it. We have only known for a year and that time I have been surprisingly well. It brought some memories back to me.

My body gets sick easily and I think that I have problems with containing stress. Because of that I am sick all the time. But that’s not all. There has been times in my life when I used to be sick for months in row. And I am not talking about just some “oh I have cough” sickness. No, I have been sleeping for almost month like sleeping beauty because I just can’t stand up. Can’t remember a much from those times. It’s all just a blur.

I am used to being sick. In fact sometimes I even enjoy it. Well, not that feeling awful and sneezing all the time part but the part where I can download my own batteries by just relaxing. As person I am someone who can’t never really just be and do nothing. My mind is always full of things I haven’t done and at the same time I am always stressing about something. But then I fall sick and there is good reason to just be.

So, maybe me being often sick has something to do with my body trying to take break? Or my mind?

I don’t really know where I was going with this but hey I am sick so I can write whatever I want… (Like I didn’t usually just ponder random thoughts here!) Maybe it’s time for me to stop this odd post. Let’s blame my feverish brains, okay?

With love,

Dead Viivi

Scared of Writing

I have no idea what to write.

I am surprised that I have been writing my travel blog for year and half. Usually my blogging has stopped after the first few months. Now I have been writing bravely even when it has been tiring. And then these last two months happened. I have zero inspiration to write blog. I mean I truly want to and I have ideas but for some reason I just can’t find the strenght to start.

Writing is hard and complicated.

Having readers makes it easier but still so impossible at times. I feel like my English sucks. My posts are just too long and boring. I am writing things that no one wants to read. Why can’t it just be easy? Why I have to care so much?

I have so many stories I want to share with people who for some reason read my texts. I never wrote about my Gdansk or Brighton adventures. Both of those trips have many funny stories I want to tell. In Gdansk I met crazy umbrella man who made me hate gender stereotypes and in Brighton I fell all over again for solo travel. So many stories, so little inspiration.

Maybe that’s why I started writing for this blog again. I for some reason lost all my readers here when playing with hosting services and that may have been the best thing ever. About 20 readers. It feels like a freedom again. Maybe this will help me to find that feeling of writing without caring of anything.

It’s kind of funny that I am so stressed out of people reading my texts. Usually I am that person who cares of nothing. I travel even if my friends and family don’t think it is a good idea. I dress like I want and don’t use make-up just because it’s too tiring. It’s my life and I will do what I want. But this writing thing has always been my weak spot. I love it too much so any bad comment makes me panic. What if I am not good enough? What if this thing I love more than anything (even more than travel) won’t work out?

I have always been good at writing. Not so much in English but in Finnish. People have always praised my writings. During school years I always got full score from creative writing assignments. I loved writing and others loved reading my texts.

Right now I can easily say that writing is my thing and that I am good at it. One year ago the situation was totally different. If someone praised my writing, I thought they were just lying. When someone asked what I can do well, I always thought about writing but never said it out loud. I was ashamed. I still am sometimes but it is getting easier. There is so many people who are better than I at this creative writing thing so how could I ever be good enough in it.

I can now admit that writing is my thing and that I can’t do anything else with my life if I truly want to be happy. And that’s why writing is so scary. If I fail what is left of me? If writing doesn’t work out what can I do?

So, here I am stuck with these feelings. I have no idea how to get over them and maybe there is no other way than just keep writing.

With love,

Scaredy-Cat Viivi

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Photo:Nick Morrison

The Awesome Blogger Award

I was nominated for this blogger award in my travel blog and now I published it in my side blog! And now I am once again sharing this new post I wrote here because apparently the posts you share in your wordpress.org blog (yeah, different thing than wordpress.com blog) the post doesn’t appear here in wordpress.com reader. Why is blogging so hard?

The Awesome Blogger Award

So, if you want to read my answers to 20 questions asked by two of my favorite travel bloggers click the link above!

I hope you are having amazing day and let’s hope I will keep writing my blogs more actively in the future (probably not…)

– Lost Viivi

Turning 22…

I have been busy for the last few weeks… (I accidentally wrote years first and now I have existential crisis because that is too true!) First I was traveling for two week and you can read more about that from my TRAVEL BLOG. Then we had my sister’s graduation party. And now yesterday I turned 22.

22 sounds too much. Where have all my years gone? I keep forgetting how old I am. Every time someone asks my age it takes forever to answer. Maybe I am just trying to forget. Years aren’t going by and I am not standing here doing nothing.

Lately I have been feeling even more lost with my life. I can’t decide what I want to study and what would be the best option for me. How could I know what I will want to do the rest of my life?

Song of the week

AUSTIN PLAINE – NEVER COME BACK AGAIN

Good friend linked this song for me and it just feels so close to my heart. All the lyrics just sound like my thoughts…

Well, I hope you are having a good week! And at least don’t have as big age crisis as I do…
With love,

Lost Viivi

Monthly Addictions

I tried to do this thing of telling you about my favorite movies, music, etc. at the end of every week but like you may see I failed badly. So now lets try me writing about my current addictions in the end of every month.

My month in a few words:

September has been busy month for me. I started new school in unknown place in the end of last month and I got my first apartment on the first day of this month. My weeks have been full of school and getting used to living alone. There has been a few catastrophic accidents (like almost blowing up my microwave) but I have survived. All my weekends have gone by traveling between my new home and my childhood home. But I love this kind of small road trips through Finland so it’s okay.

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My September addictions…

 

Food

Almost free school food

In Finland our school food is either free or super cheap. Lunch does cost 1,40€ for me and I live for that moment of the day. I don’t have oven on my own apartment so I live on microwave food expect the school days. And our school food is really tasty and we have different kind of breads and salads to go with it.

.           .          .

Movies

Inside Out

September has been full of animation movies for me. Today I enjoyed the Pixar movie Inside Out about emotions living on teen girl’s brains. I loved it! It was kind of funny because my personality is a lot like the Sadness characters and I have a lot of friends who are just like the Happiness character. Even if I’m not always happy I still have my place in this world!

.           .          .

TV-series

Blindspot

This crime TV series started in Finland last month and I have been totally hooked. Strong cool female lead with mysterious past is something I will always enjoy to see. And good looking male lead is good bonus. The tattoos Jane Doe has on her body are amazing and make my aesthetic side scream of happiness.

.           .          .

Manga

Nanbaka

I found this manga to be good stress relief when I have been to busy to properly read any manga. The chapters are short and characters lovable. Who doesn’t love to read about handsome boys who just happen to be a little crazy dangerous criminals in prison? Sorry, I have problems with my bad boy complex…

.           .          .

Songs

Alma – Karma

I bring the karma to your game. You better run run run yeah! I was totally hooked with this amazing Finnish singer at the beginning of September and this song still makes me sing along. This is totally my fighting song or maybe better said my “I want to be badass” song because I’m totally loser.

Blackpink – Boombayah

I would love this band only for it’s name but fortunately their music is even better than the name. I think my new class mates must think I’m crazy because I may or may not always dance on my way to school while listening this song. Boombayah!

.           .          .

The important questions of this month…

Can I microwave frozen onion rings?

-Answer is: you shouldn’t probably test that. I think I almost caused fire by trying. Ups…

How do I change the battery of fire alarm?

-I haven’t yet figured this out. I will update you next month if I finally found someone to teach me how to change it…

How is living alone going?

-If we don’t think the few times I have almost killed my self or destroyed the whole house, I would say I have done quite well. I’m still alive and I think no one excepted that when I left home month ago!

Should I give up learning new languages?

-At the start of this month I got this good idea of going to Japanese language class. Now I’m in problems because I’m the worst in learning languages… Answer for this question is I should but I will probably never stop trying.

.           .          .

Where have I travelled?

streetart
My new home town has crazy street art!

This month has been busy one so I only travelled around Finland. I visited many cities like Rovaniemi, Kannus, Kalajoki, Kajaani and Oulu. I have also been adventuring around my new hometown.

.           .          .

Plans for October…

I have booked week long trip to London because I have time off from school. The rest of October I will be working and doing school stuff. Nothing extraordinary. Well expect I should start the Youtube channel I promised to make when I get 1 000 readers for my blog. (We already passed that point so I’m a little late…)

.           .          .

 

How has your month been? I hope you have had amazing time!

With love,

Viivi Severina

Diary: Being sick and alienated

Dear diary (and the people on internet),

have you ever felt like you don’t belong in this place? You have liven the whole life in this same place but still never truly called it home. This is me. I’m the person who fits in perfectly but never feels like truly belonging.

I’m sick. And when I’m sick my thoughts run their own ways and that’s why I want to talk for you about not belonging. Right now my sister is laughing with her friends upstairs and my brother is somewhere catching Pokemons with his friends. They are having fun, they know how to live. It’s good that they don’t seem like me.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my friends, have fun with them and would do anything for them. BUT… Making friends and spending time together has never been natural for me. It feels awkward and I don’t know how to act. Should I send text or wait on from them? Should I invite them to my house? What should we do together? I have never truly got the etiquette of being friends.

When I was younger I used to think that I must be alien from another planet. I never felt like this place was my home. The people around me were mystery for me and still I seemed to see right trough of them. I admit being scared often and thinking that something must be wrong with me.

Now when I am older the feeling of not belonging is still present in everything I do. Something has changed from my earlier days. I know I am not alien but just a individual with strong sense of not wanting to be part of the mass. I have learned to live with myself. I know I’m not the only one feeling like this and that drives me to write. My voice wants to get heard and soul to seen.
With love and mixed thoughts,

Viivi Severina

University? Travel? No idea…

Hello!My university entrance exam results just come out and no big surprises there. I didn’t get in. Although I am in position that if 11 persons don’t take their places I will get in. However very unlikely.

So what now?

I have no idea. Right away after revealing to my mom that I didn’t get in she started to rant how I should now try to find job. That’s probably true. I already had one gap year so this another one I should life like adult.

If you have read my travel blog you know that I grave to see the world. I won’t listen mom’s advice even if I will walk towards my own doomed life. Traveling isn’t easy. Without money it is almost impossible.

For my own bad luck (or good luck. Depend how you want to see it.) I have always been the person who wants to break all the odds. When someone tells me I can’t do it, nothing is stopping me from proving them wrong.

Really, so what now?

Well I have Helpx site open and I am trying to look for place/hostel to volunteer for couple of months. Then I should decide some kind of job to do. Working holiday in Australia or New Zealand? Cruise ship work? Something else?

Someone hire me to travel the world! Please?

With love,

Neidotta

Fight Until The End

She tells stories in her head, hopes someday someone will be able to read her mind. Then the reality hits hard. That day will never come. If she wants to share the adventures running around her head there is only one way. Only one destiny waiting for her.

The white paper is staring back at her. Screaming that there is no way for her to do this. Writing or better said being good at it is just dream. It will be just one of the stories in her head. One of the beautiful dreams repeating over and over again.

After first word she writes second, third ad fourth. After a while she starts to scream back for the paper. Puts sentence after sentence stories to its clean white surface. Even if this is going to be just one of the stories never happening she is not going down without fight. Because only way she knows how to live is by writing, she will fight until the end.