Sixteenth of December
She was bird, she was cat, she was endless sky with million bats. She lived bravely but scared of everything. Her days were full of sun and moon, sleepy days and sleepless nights. Negatives and positives circled around the body of her. A lifetime of opposites being all she got. Flying like a bird and laying down like a cat. She became everything a small girl could be and still she wasn’t quite like people believed.
She wanted to fly and fly and fly. But there was always that one risk: falling down, breaking wings. Nothing could stop her from dreaming of it. Those beautiful skies full of birds. Huge wings shaking in the wind taking them around the world again and again. She wanted to be like them, a bird with wings so strong she could keep flying and never land. But it wasn’t possible. Not every bird know how to fly. Not every bird can be on the sky. Her wings were cut off, disappeared, taken from her. She was a bird without wings doomed to live forever in the world of those going to die.
She missed the sky but she loved the ground. Sleeping through the day like cat was dream achieved. Doing nothing. Living without purpose. It was perfect until it was not. One day, two days, three days she was okay. Sleep, relax and see dreams. But days four and five and six she lost her will of being silly. Day after day it became harder and harder to stand back up and be like a bird. Sleeping like a cat not knowing about the world felt just fine. But not anyone can live that forever. You start to wonder. What if? What has she missed? Is this all I truly have? Could I have flown if I wings still had?
(This text was written in ten minutes without thinking anything. I did almost no editing and decided to publish it just like this. Nowadays, I call myself a writer. I even study creative writing in uni. But my problem: I write in Finnish. This blog is in English. In my opinion, it’s sometimes good to publish texts that aren’t so great or ready. Maybe in a few years, I can return to this one and see how long way I have gone with my English skills? Or so I hope…)
Viivi Scared of Writing
Sixth of December
Last year has been an interesting one for all the Finns. Our beloved home country Finland turns 100 years old. There have been blue colors, special events and waiting all around our country for the whole year. We have talked about it to the point that you could call it too much.
They even sold Suomi/Finland 100 bread, shampoo, toilet paper, alcohol, and rollators. Yeah, we are kind of crazy.
All this partying and celebrating ends today when it is Finland’s independence day. All the Finns (even me from New York) stay the evening in front of their TV screens watching when our president and his wife shake hands with hundreds of people. You will see all the most important Finnish celebrities but also a lot of normal Finns who got invited. Every year it is one of our biggest events but this year Finns have literally gone crazy. (Or is celebrating 100 years of independence usually this big thing?)
Happy 100 years birthday to all my fellow Finnish and Finland!
I haven’t been busy but I have no time. Because I am some kind of stupid idiot, I have decided to study two university degrees at the same time. Why did I ever think that this would be a good idea? I study creative writing. It is my passion. It is my thing. But then I decided to continue my business studies that I declared as too simple and boring for me.
It’s partly because of money. Finland’s government helps financially those who study in “real university”. My creative writing is only an open university. A writer isn’t a job in Finland. Or so most of us seem to think. So, why I try so hard to be something not possible? Why is writing my only real passion? Even traveling seems dull and irrelevant next to days used writing never-ending stories.
I don’t have time for my blogs. Maybe trying to write three blogs wasn’t possible in the first place? All the inspiration I used to have is now written for other people who order blog articles from me. I miss writing for myself. Writing whatever I want and without worrying about grammar and being 100% correct.
This is why I am writing now. This December I will write more. After New Year I will start normal rhythm. Travel blog once a week. Random posts here whenever I want. Photos to my photo blog as often as possible.
Today is the first day of December. 24 days till Christmas. Maybe I have all the elements to do writing Chrismas calender? 24 posts. Can I do it?
I have decided to start new writing series in this lost side blog of mine. If you don’t know, I started studying creative writing in university. And if you are ever studied writing in any way you may be familiar with this technique. 10 minutes of writing without stopping to think anything at any point. You just write whatever comes to your mind without editing or deleting. So, here is my first 10 minutes of writing the flow of my thoughts.
Expect to see more of this every Thursday!
I change my mind. I change my life. I change everything every day and every moment. I am allergic to staying, being and just getting stuck. My friends work towards that one goal they want. People I knew back at my childhood and teen years have families, homes and real work. I write, I travel and I change my plans daily.
My mind is running every second of the day. What new can I do today? What new can I try now? I try to be something totally different. Too long in one place is like death sentence for me. How can some people just keep living that same old life they were “meant to live”? I have wanted to be everything from rock start to astronaut and I still do even now. I may be adult but my mind keeps dreaming about these things others call silly.
I only have this one life but my mind wants to do hundred of different things. And that’s why I write. I write to live millions of lives in one lifetime. I write to see countries that don’t even exist and to fall in love with people who would never even see me in the real life. I write about fears and winning them so I will be strong. My stories are here to make me better person who can dream and achieve those dreams one by one. Never giving up.
Most people don’t get it. I never really speak about it. What writing means for me? Why do I write? I can’t even explain it with words. Writing is the only way to speak about it. I write to create something beautiful instead of seeing this scary ugly world outside of my window. Writing is my way of escaping. It’s my way of living.
Viivi Who Writes
I am like small kid on her first day of school. Except I am literally dying because I am so scared. 30 minutes before I have to leave. 1 hour of driving before I will be there. My stress level is out of the roof. I don’t know if this is good or bed thing. I don’t think I have been this scared of anything in long time. Especially not about starting school. Is that good or bad sign?
Today is my first day in university. Today is the day I finally start studying something I have always dreamed of but never truly believed would be possible.
I am going to study creative writing. My head is screaming that this is bad idea but at the same time that this is the only right route I can take. Writing is my thing. I has always been. I was one of the last people on my class at school who learned how to read and write but after I started there was no stopping me. Being writer would be the only right job for me.
But I already know today is going to be hard. There will be other people. People who are probably better than I. People who write amazing stories, who have experience and who know what they are doing. I have just never finished books, anxiety and doubt of my own skills. It’s always as hard to show my texts for others. My first reaction is always wait for the critic. I love writing but it doesn’t mean I am good at it, right?
My heart is bounding so loudly, hands shaking and stomach hurting. It’s hard to breath and there is this never ending screaming voice in my head. I am scared. I am so scared of this evening. And still there is this stubborn kid inside of me telling how I have finally found the right way.
I would give everything to just write everyday. I would stop traveling, I would stay locked in my room for weeks, I would only eat healthy food for the rest of my life. Anything to write. Be writer.
So, wish me luck. I am going to try with all I got. Whatever I fail or succeed. Whatever my fears are trying to take me down. This is my dream and the only thing I can really do with my life.
Viivi with Dreams
I’m sitting in my bed knowing tomorrow I will leave this place I call home. It’s been ten hours after I decided to take the student place given to me. Day after tomorrow will be the first day of school. Tomorrow I’m moving far away to live on my own.
I’s scared and I’m thrilled.
What if I don’t survive? Or even better what if I do? What if this is the way for me to fulfill all my dreams?
I want to write, travel and film videos. I want to make people happy and educate them. I want to make my own bisness and success in it. I have so many dreams and don’t know where this road I have chosen will take me.
I’m going to study business. I already know some of the classes will make me inspired and full of energy. But I also know that some of the classes will bore me to death. I don’t know if this school will be the right one for me but I want to try.
I’m not the student type person. I would rather do everything by myself and travel the world. However I have decided to this my way. Book weekends full of adventures and use the boring lesson to plan ways to archieve my goals. If I believe in myself, anything is possible.
You should too believe in yourself because there is no impossible dreams.
Today I wanted to talk you about something that has been on my mind recently.
To be specific courage to travel. Now you may think how can the starting travel blogger be struggling with something so simple. Well any problem isn’t small if it prevents you from doing what you want.
So courage to travel. For me it’s something I radically lack. I have already given up with going to university right now (or to be clearer maybe that plan never was so important for me…) I know traveling is the next step for me to do.
Yes, there is the big but named courage.
One personality trait I would give away right now is worrying. What if I fail? what will I do if I run out of money? I’m probably not going to find a job. Everything will go badly and it will not be what I wanted from my life. What if I try to make this writing thing a life and don’t succeed? There is no other way for me to live
And so I stare my plans and don’t know what to do. I loaned Australia books from library but can’t open them. I check airline tickets to South Korea at least three times a day (on incognito browser because I know too much about traveling cheap). I have everything planned out: volunteering three months in Korea, going to working holiday in Australia and after that maybe living the life where I just keep traveling.
Only thing I don’t have it the courage to make my plans true. I haven’t shared them with anyone before this. I feel like telling someone means they will laugh at me and make my dreams nightmares.
Last time I bought the tickets without telling anyone and left before they even realized. This time I’m going to find my strength. Today I am going to tell my plan for my parents, friends and for my scared soul. It’s time to make my life my own.
With courage and love,