I don’t want to leave, but I can’t stay

Week before traveling is always the hardest but also the easiest time for me. I am never truly there. My mind is already traveling towards the soon to be adventures, new cities I will take over and those experiences only I can… well… experience. Whatever I do in the end my mind will go back to the things I have to pack, counting the minutes to my take-off and of course planning all the things I will do.

It is hard to be truly here back at home but at the same time it is a lot easier week when compared to other week of my back at home life. Why? I know that I am leaving soon. It may sound bad. I would love to be someone who loved to be back at home with her family and never leave everyone else behind. But I can’t and that’s why the days before traveling are some of the best ones I ever have back at home.

During these few days my mind is always at traveling but at the same time I am meeting so many friends, spending time with my family and trying to enjoy every second I have with them. I love being back at home because of these people so dear to me and still nothing could hold me here for too long. It makes week before traveling so important.

During this time I always remember why these people are so close to my heart and why I have to return after having my own small adventure.

Sometimes it feels like I am living between two words. I have two totally different personalities. I am Viivi who never wants to leave and I am Viivi who never wants to stay. It’s unsettling and still I wouldn’t change it to anything.

So, these next few days I will enjoy my life here back at home. I will meet friends, I will help my sister at moving to her first own home, I will eat Finnish food and live in my grandpa’s basement. But then on Sunday I will board the plane. I will go towards my new adventure, I will write all the time, I will meet new people, eat new foods and enjoy every second of this time I so badly need.

This is my life and for some odd reason I have grown to love it.

Sorry for yet another random text. I hope you are having an amazing day.
With love,

Viivi with mixed feelings 

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Photo: Nik MacMillan

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I have been thinking…

I have been thinking.

Is life really worth living if you do something you don’t love from the bottom of your heart?

Is there really reason to be if you study something just because everyone expects you to do it. Or just because you don’t know what else to do so you just pick out the easiest route.

I have been thinking and it is never a good sign. I think everyone still remembers the last time because it ended up me leaving for Japan for three months. That time I returned even if I felt like it was the wrong decision. Someone asked me why I wouldn’t continue from Japan to Korea and to Taiwan, China, Philippines and to the whole world. I didn’t have answer for them. Everyone was waiting me back at home so I returned. For a few weeks it was okay. For a short moment I felt like I knew where I was going in my life.

And then I didn’t anymore.

I applied to universities but in the end I didn’t want to study any of the subjects. During the exams I was really sick and didn’t get in any of the places. Maybe I should have seen that as a sign to think again my life choices. I didn’t.

My mum found me open place from business school and against my own intuition I went there. What else would have I done? Where else would I have gone?

We are taught that life is long line of things you have to do. First school. Then you start working. The better pay you get the better life you will have. After working a while you will find love, get married, have children, buy your first own home. Then you work a little more until you retire. Perfect happy life.

Expect, I never saw myself living like that.

I never really had any dream professions. For the longest time I told for everyone that I wanted to be veterinarian. And in a way I wanted. When everyone kept asking me what I wanted to do when I grow up I had to come up with some kind of idea. Everyone else had one so of course I also had to have dream. Veterinarian was my choice because if I had to be stuck with one job for the rest of my life at least I would help some animals and humans at the same time.

It took me several years to realize that my dream job would never make me happy. I had decided it because saying veterinarian was easy. Because studying it would be easy and doing it for the rest of my life would be easy. It was job that made everyone else smile because it sounds good, the salary is good, it’s highly admired, it’s something everyone else saw me doing in the future.

I have been thinking and I have many dreams for my own future.

The problem?

I am not yet quite sure what those dreams are. Only recently I have started to think them more.  Today was probably the first day I intentionally began thinking ‘what are my dreams?’

Right now I only know a few things.

  • I love writing more than anything. If I could decide, I would write all day everyday.
  • Traveling makes me feel like I am truly living.
  • Blogging seems to be my thing and I am surprisingly good at it.
  • I have made some money writing blog posts and translating files. All the feedback has been positive until now.
  • Standing in one place for too long or doing one thing for the rest of my life seems impossible

But what do I want to do with my life?

Is there reason for me to study something I don’t want to do? How can I find the reason for my own life? Is there even way to find the meaning of life? Have some of us just made to live without purpose?

So many questions and no answers.

I have been thinking and I am lost. That’s never good combination.

With love,

Viivi Severina

In Moment Everything Can Change

I’m sitting in my bed knowing tomorrow I will leave this place I call home. It’s been ten hours after I decided to take the student place given to me. Day after tomorrow will be the first day of school. Tomorrow I’m moving far away to live on my own. 

I’s scared and I’m thrilled.

What if I don’t survive? Or even better what if I do? What if this is the way for me to fulfill all my dreams?

I want to write, travel and film videos. I want to make people happy and educate them. I want to make my own bisness and success in it. I have so many dreams and don’t know where this road I have chosen will take me.

I’m going to study business. I already know some of the classes will make me inspired and full of energy. But I also know that some of the classes will bore me to death. I don’t know if this school will be the right one for me but I want to try.

I’m not the student type person. I would rather do everything by myself and travel the world. However I have decided to this my way. Book weekends full of adventures and use the boring lesson to plan ways to archieve my goals. If I believe in myself, anything is possible.

You should too believe in yourself because there is no impossible dreams.

With love,

Viivi Severina

Not Enough

Yesterday I sat twenty minutes in car with my mum. The whole time she told me reasons why I should apply to the agricultural school. I have kept saying that I don’t want to go there. I will be miserable if I have to study that subject for another three years. She doesn’t listen.

She says it’s the only place I can get in. That I can’t do other jobs. It’s like meant to be. I already have studied animals, it’s close to home and I would easily get internship from my dad’s big company. Everything seems perfectly fit in. Expect me.

Even if that job and school was meant to be does it matte if I’m going to go insane doing it? I already know it would destroy me. This may sound dramatic but it is the truth. There is no way I will be drown back to the gray normal. I will not anymore do something others want and cause losing my own meaning.

I need challenges. I’m scared of average, not being enough, living my life just doing fine but never great. I’m scared to death that I will never find my meaning in this life. And that drives me to fight.

What my mum doesn’t get is that trying to make me do something will just backfire. The more people doubt me the more determined I am to walk my own road. My life is constant fight against the expectations. Going through my own dreams but never revealing them for anyone in the fear of getting laughed at.

So I’m going to fight once again. This is my life and my decisions. No one (even the people close to me) can’t tell me what to do. I may be stupid walking my own road but at least I don’t need to think “what if” in the future.

Keep fighting!

Viivi Severina

And she lied…

I have always been good at lying. It’s skill I don’t know to be proud of or try to get rid off. I know how to make anyone believe anything. It has always been like that. I remember as child making something my sisters fault and never even getting caught. (I’m sorry if you read this someday!)

So why am I talking about this today? Because no one knows what I am planning. Like I have told my university results came out and I didn’t get in. The truth is I never ever wanted to go there. It’s crazy but I want to travel, live and not be the normal person. I feel like I can’t get trough another year here living this life.

So I lie.

Yes mom, I will apply to the job. Yes dad, I’m going to the open university. I’m smiling like it is true, like there is hope for me. It’s easy because there is other reasons for me to smile. I’m going to go. Not to job or to study. I’m going to go and disappear to the world.

I may take the place to study if I still get in but travel is currently my priority. It’s stupid and I know it. 21 years olds shouldn’t have impossible dreams and hopes for their life. I want to keep writing and traveling and make those my job. That is as impossible as it can get…

So I keep lying because I know what everyone would say. Silly girl you can’t do that. Go to school, get a job and live like everyone else. It’s not just my family who would keep me here if they know. My friends, almost random people in Facebook, the unknown neighbours, everyone. No one would believe it is possible to live that way. Probably many reading this won’t believe in me.

Lying is my self defense. It gives me cover when I am trying to run from my life. I have escaped once but ended up coming back. Now I am trying to go again and when you don’t see it coming I have already dissapeared.

Yes, lying is bad but for me it can safe a life. My life.
With love and lies,

Viivi Severina