Poem Rant

Third of December
Last weekend was my second time on the creative writing university course I am currently attending to. The theme of this second weekend was poems. My relationship with poems could be described as awkward and almost hostile:

I hate poems. I always end up writing poems. For some odd reason, other people love the poems I write. They love the poems I don’t want to write.

Reading poems isn’t for me. I know there is a lot of people in this world who share my opinion. They think that poetry is boring, too hard to understand and not for them. Only the last claim describes me.

Poems aren’t boring. You just have to find the right ones. Even music and especially rap songs would be poems if we wrote them down and forgot the sound. And who doesn’t listen to music?

Anyone can understand poems. If you say that I am wrong, then you have never even tried. Find a poem and read it ten times. That’s it. Now you understand it. There is no one way to read poems. Everyone understand them differently depending on their own mind and life experiences. Sometimes the poets can’t even understand their own poems so you shouldn’t stress too much. Just read a poem and let your own thoughts fly.

Even if you think that the poem is deathly boring. Last weekend taught me that it is okay to hate poems. As long as you are feeling something the poems are doing their job right.

tomatoes, you know, are real
that is, if they remain tomatoes
if they try to be melons, however,
they then become fakes
though everything and everyone is real
in their own way,
it seems we always try so hard to become fakes
-Mitsuo Aida

I know I started this text by saying that I hate poems. Maybe it is a lie? My lacking English is on the way. The better way to say this may be “I hate poetry”. I am not sure. I hate poems but then again there are poems I love more than anything else. Like that Mitsuo Aida’s tomato poem above.

I first saw this poem at Mitsuo Aida museum in Tokyo, Japan. It was written in Japanese and this is just the translation. I have no idea if it is as good in Japanese but like this, it described my feeling at that time. Before going to Japan I had tried to be a melon. I applied to university, tried my best to create a normal life and just played this role of someone I was expected to be.

Then I went to Japan. For the first time in a long while, I felt like I was a tomato again. I had to buy a postcard with this text in it. I think I lost it during the three months I spent in Japan but I still can’t forget this poem.

So, I don’t hate poems. Some poems touch my heart, make me smile or occasionally even laugh out loud. It’s awkward and maybe a little hostile but I love poems and writing them.

With love,

Hard To Understand Viivi

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Always either lost or sick

I am sick. I should be writing my travel blog. But for some reason I just can’t do anything. I don’t feel like doing anything. I have been sleeping for hours. Last night I got over 13 hours of sleep so even if my body wants to rest my mind just keeps running wild. This is quite normal. One of my best friends put it well a while back: I am always either sick or lost. 

So, here I am writing like always when my mind can’t keep its calm or when it’s hard to fall asleep. Have you ever been like this? Too tired to do anything but too awake to fall asleep. Today I had short conversation with another of my friends of why I am always sick. He didn’t know about it. We have only known for a year and that time I have been surprisingly well. It brought some memories back to me.

My body gets sick easily and I think that I have problems with containing stress. Because of that I am sick all the time. But that’s not all. There has been times in my life when I used to be sick for months in row. And I am not talking about just some “oh I have cough” sickness. No, I have been sleeping for almost month like sleeping beauty because I just can’t stand up. Can’t remember a much from those times. It’s all just a blur.

I am used to being sick. In fact sometimes I even enjoy it. Well, not that feeling awful and sneezing all the time part but the part where I can download my own batteries by just relaxing. As person I am someone who can’t never really just be and do nothing. My mind is always full of things I haven’t done and at the same time I am always stressing about something. But then I fall sick and there is good reason to just be.

So, maybe me being often sick has something to do with my body trying to take break? Or my mind?

I don’t really know where I was going with this but hey I am sick so I can write whatever I want… (Like I didn’t usually just ponder random thoughts here!) Maybe it’s time for me to stop this odd post. Let’s blame my feverish brains, okay?

With love,

Dead Viivi

A little silly French man

Yesterday at work I met silly man. He came in the small shop I am working in greeting me too happily. He kept saying hello, hi and terve (Finnish greeting). I kept answering to his greetings because as awkward Finn I can’t be the last one to stop. Then he explained that he is from France. Parisian to be exact. He also said it in Finnish and told me that he can’t say anything else in my language.

“Anteeksi, anteeksi, anteeksi, olen ranskalainen…” (Sorry, sorry, sorry, I am French.)

We talked a little even if there was this huge language barrier between the two of us. Quiet Finn and too talkative French. What would we have in common?

A lot more than you think I realized after this silly little French man left. He bought Finland magnet and left my shop smiling widely. I continued working in now quiet shop but for some reason couldn’t stop smiling. Meeting with this man who was the total opposite of me made me realize something important. Something I have realized before during my travels but I tend to forget…

I’m not the only one scared to death of speaking English. I am not the only one who feels like they have to constantly apologize for not speaking it fluently. There is a lot of us and we come from all around the world. English is maybe even more hard from people coming from countries like French and Finland. We just don’t pronounce the words like people speaking English. Our language just doesn’t in the same category with English.

We may be insecure. Saying sorry comes automatically when we meet new person. But we can’t give up. This small French came to my work place and kept talking non-stop. There was words he didn’t pronounce like fluent English speakers. There was some things I didn’t understand and some words he corrected for himself even before I realized that there was something wrong. If it had been me, this story would be different.

I would leave the shop with panicky feelings and tears in my eyes. I would keep thinking it for days because “why can’t I just pronounce the stupid words like everyone else?”. I wouldn’t say sorry smiling like him. I would look the floor and mumble something no one can understand. It’s the difference between me and this bright man from France.

So what do the two of us have in common? In addition to not talking English fluently. We don’t give up. He had came to Finland where talkative people are feared like a death. I keep traveling even if every conversation I have to have in English will make me panic. He kept talking even if his language skills weren’t perfect. I keep trying even if my language skills are far from perfect.

I am not sure where I was going with this post bu I just wanted to share this small meeting I had with silly French man with someone. And I guess at the same time I just wanted to tell everyone that it’s okay to not speak perfect English. There is more of us who don’t speak it fluently than those who do. So, keep trying and failing as much as you want!

With love,

Awkward Viivi

 

Deciding School

I love my family but sometimes I just want to get away. Today is one of those days I hope I would not feel bad about leaving everything behind. I love my family but I hate the plans they lay in front of me. Maybe I am just rebelling but I can’t live by the plans given to me.

Last spring I had university entrance exams. My motivation wasn’t present and I got really sick. I really wanted to get in to school but I didn’t find any field I would like to make my future. In the end I didn’t get in any of the schools I applied in.

End of summer and I was feeling lost but nothing new on that. The schools that have still free spots for autumn had their application processes to start. My mum sat next to me to be sure that I applied somewhere. I even got quite hyped up by one of the schools.

Tourism and hospitality that is studied with only few days in the university and most of the days in internet. It would give me time to travel. I would have time to study on my own pace. Perfect. I want to get in there.

My mum wasn’t so pleased about my choice. After a lot of threatening and shouting I also applied to agricultural field (and some business schools).  I have already studied three years animal careering. It was nice but I would die if I had to go trough three more years of that. I need challenges to my life.

So now I’m in problems and in the moment all I can think about is running away.

Today I told my mum the agricultural school send me email. In that email they clearly stated that if I get accepted in I need to send my answer before I would have the other entrance exams. So put simple way if I can’t apply there and to the other schools at the same time.

For me the decision was easy. Don’t go to that school and go to the tourism and business schools’ exams. In the first place I didn’t want to study more farm things and animals. In my mums opinion my decision is totally wrong. With that school I could good job and better salary and sure job. But I would never be happy…

Why can’t my family realize that I need to do my own decisions?
I’m scared of wasting my life.

With love,

Viivi Severina

Tomorrow Changes Everything

Hi there! Today I was going to post my travel diary from Sweden but I have been so stressed out that it’s still not ready. Basically my university exam results can come out any moment but at the latest tomorrow. To add my stress currently the site where I can see them isn’t working.

So now I am waiting and tomorrow probably staring the web site until I see the results. I’m so scared. One day and I will know how my life is going to play out.

I don’t have any plan right now. I don’t even know how to inform the school that I will take the place if I get accepted in. I don’t know if I want or not to go to school. I’m big mess without future plans.

What if I just want to write and travel?

With love,

Neidotta

Blogger’s Lazy Day

I should write about my recent trip to Sweden but I have somehow lost all inspiration to do it. (Or maybe I’m just too lazy to import all the pics to my computer…) Because writing the blog is for me to improve and become the happy person I want to be I’m not stressing too much. I will write when I feel like it.

To do something blog related today I decided to do big job that had been waiting for some time now. I rearranged all the categories in my blog. Now everything is in clean order. It took some time but I did it and am proud of myself.

It’s amazing to feel that I am beginning to get this blogging thing. My travel blog has soon 200 followers and after every new one I keep wondering why would someone want to read about my life.

Another thing I did today is staring my own Pinterest. Yes, I mean staring not starting. I have had it for some time now but never really understood how it works. Today I decided it is time to try. Any tips for me to use Pinterest?

.     .     .

This blog is for me to write whatever. If you want to read my “real” blog check out my adventures in my travel blog.

With love,

Neidotta