I can’t sleep

For some reason, I have had super long jetlag after returning from my New York, Iceland and Sweden trip. I am sleepy at 5pm, my eyes won’t stay open at 8pm and then when I try to sleep I just can’t fall asleep. Hours of rolling around in my bed. And it gets even worse when I wake up at 5am after sleeping only for about 5 hours. I can’t fall asleep again. It’s just impossible.

What did I do to deserve this torture?

I have always seen a lot of dreams that I remember well but for these few nights, it has gotten even worse. I wake up feeling hazy. What is true and what is not? It would be easier if my dreams didn’t make sense. Can I get flying, dragons and falling in love with someone handsome and famous? Watching my family fighting, friends disappearing and my dreams getting crushed night after night gets boring quickly.

It hasn’t even been a week and the nights are still driving me crazy. I didn’t have any problems when I returned from Japan so why am I struggling so much right now?

With love,

Sleep derivated Viivi

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True raw emotions.

Today I want to speak about suicide. Yesterday someone who I have never met and someone who I don’t even know killed himself. I have never even talked to this person and he had no idea that I even existed but still, this death has impacted me. What else would you except when he impacted my life while still living?

Today I want to speak about suicide but I won’t. I don’t think I can. And that’s why I will tell you a small story.

This is a story of young Viivi who was always lost in her life and who didn’t feel like she belonged. This is a story of someone who found peace and way to continue from listening to music. And then when time went by this changes to a story of her finding a best friend through this strange world of listening to music from bands that you can’t even understand.

It starts at primary school. I can’t remember how. I see a video of band singing language I can’t understand and they are dancing almost too perfectly. It’s odd and new but still enchanting. Weeks, months and years go by me listening to music by myself. At some point, it’s not just the music and amazing videos. I start to watch reality shows, dramas and I remember all members of these bands by name.

I still have no idea what they are saying but I don’t care. I don’t need to understand to enjoy the music.

Then I go to high school and I meet someone who shares my interest. We become friends, travel to concerts, laugh for the silly reality shows and before anything else enjoy the music. It’s a magical time of my life. It’s so easy to be happy. When your own life doesn’t feel right, you can just make yourself to forget everything. Music takes all your worries away and these silly but talented people performing it can always bring a smile to your face.

Years start running faster and my life is changing. I find something else. Traveling, writing blogs and living my life. There is no time for everything but I never forget. When I open Spotify I still listen to kpop more often than not. Even one photo or one memory from the time of my life can make me delighted. It was my youth and it’s still my future. You never truly get over the things you have once loved and today I can see it so clearly.

Yesterday I was messaging with my friend totally normally and then out of nowhere, she asked me did I know why the internet was full of sad Jonghyun. I didn’t. It took a while and then she told me that Jjong had committed suicide. It didn’t sink in first. I haven’t been actively following what happens with Shinee for a long time but they are still one of the bands closest to my heart. I have cried, I have laughed, I have lived listening to their songs.

Shinee was one of the first bands I fell in love with. And no I don’t speak about kpop. I speak about bands generally in all music categories. There are about million memories I could share now because my mind is right now full of them.

Being fifteen and laughing at Amigo because in Finnish the song sounds like they are singing over and over again that they want to fuck. Dancing and singing RingDingDong alone in my room. Being addicted to so many of their songs that it is not even funny. Crying while to The Reason even if I only could understand the words from translations. Still remembering the words of Sherlock even if it has been years.

And lastly listening to Tell Me What To Do over and over again just last week in New York when I was feeling a little bit homesick. Even now it’s kpop and music that makes me survive the hardest parts of my life. Even now after years, it’s Shinee. It will always be Shinee.

Kuva:  BRUNO CERVERA

2017 Predictions, Did they happen?

A few days ago I shared an old draft of mine. Today we are continuing with another old blog post that I never published. I am passionate tarot card reader and I wanted to do a post where I predicted my year 2017. The idea was to make 10 predictions, but I only did 3. Let’s see if I was right!

I love reading tarot cards and surprisingly often my readings are close to the truth. So why not try to predict my own year 2017? And now see if I was even closely correct.

1.My year 2017 generally

“You are living hard times. Your spending and revenues are at the same size so you have to live modestly. Somehow you will cope without getting to problems with money. Use your brains to get out of the tricky situations.

You feel like everything is going to the wrong direction and you are losing the fight. Admit your lose and return to the beginning. That will be the only way to happiness. Say out loud your hoes and dreams. Then go towards them.

If you try hard enough and wait for the right moment the luck will finally be on your side. Wait patiently and everything will be just fine. You will get over any hardships on your way. Just believe in yourself and go towards your dreams.”

2.My personality

“Wanderer who hangs on her opinions even when others don’t believe in them. Someone who complains too much about the tiny stupid things. A person who tries to save money but uses it stupidly. Trying to be nice and kind for others even when struggling herself. A stubborn person who will get in trouble.”

3.Money, assets and material problems

“Get over your fears. If you give up you will lose your money/assets/property. Be brave in all situations. You have to work hard to make enough money. Try to live without spending to useless things.

You are living hard times. Your spending and revenues are at the same size so you have to live modestly. Somehow you will cope without getting to problems with money. Use your brains to get out of the tricky situations.”

So, were the predictions correct?

The funny thing is that I got a same money problems card for two different readings. Did I have money problems? Yes. Like the reading said for some time my spendings and revenues were same. Even now I am in a situation where I can’t spend to anything stupid. But still didn’t have any money problems and never struggled with getting by.

I have worked hard and tried to live as well as I can for the whole year. It’s starting to pay off. I get more and more writing jobs every week and if I wasn’t studying at the same time I think I would be able to do this as a full-time job. Isn’t that crazy?

“You feel like everything is going to the wrong direction and you are losing the fight.”
This sentence sums up my whole year… I started 2017 studying in a city far away from my home and I was miserable. It felt totally a wrong direction and I wanted to keep studying for the sake of “being normal” and “getting a normal job”. In the end, I gave up and found something better.

On the other hand, I am again in this situation but this time with my blogging and especially travel blog. I haven’t been writing because I am not sure what I want to do. But just now about a month ago I gave up for a while. I just stopped. Now I am again ready to start.

Maybe the most true of my predictions was this one sentence: “Say out loud your hoes and dreams. Then go towards them.” I remember this one class from spring when I was still attending to business school actively. There were about hundred people in our class and the teaches wanted every one of us to tell the whole class one thing we are good at. I was scared to death because I have always believed that I am not good at anything.

But at the same time I was panicing, one thought entered my mind. I can write. No, I want to write. I don’t want to study business, I just want to write. When it was my turn I said it out loud for the first time in my life.

“I am good at writing.”
For a moment it was quiet and then my teacher asked me “In what kind of writing?”

“I am good at writing stories, blog articles, about travel, poems, emotions, school work, research, comments, inspiring sentences, lies. I am good at writing anything I want.”

At this point, I had been writing all my life. For over ten years. But it had never occurred to me that maybe it would be my future. Of course, I had dreamed of living by writing books and being a real author but it seemed impossible in my small home country Finland. There was no way I could do it, right? Or maybe I could.

After I had said out loud for the first time that I am good at writing, I couldn’t stop. Words have more power than we think. Soon I am good at writing changed to I want to live my life by writing. Then about four months later I applied to study creative writing in Finnish open university. The words and dreams I had said outloud have started turn alive. I have no idea where I am going but it seems easier now. It is easy to change your own future if you just believe in your own words. Fortunately for me, writing words is the only thing I am good at.

I want to be a writer. I want to travel. I want to try out this blogging and writing thing because it seems to work and I truly love it.

With love,

Mysterious Viivi

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Sometimes I don’t want this travel life

After two years of traveling the world as much as possible while dreaming of life as a full time traveler and writing fastly growing travel blog, it’s scary to realize that in fact, you don’t want to travel. You have been running towards this magical life waiting for the perfect happiness just to see that this won’t be the right things for you. Maybe traveling isn’t the answer?

I don’t want you to understand this the wrong way. There is nothing better than sitting hours on an airplane going towards unknown, meeting strangers in hostel dorms and seeing the sunset in a new city every morning. I love traveling and I could not live without it. But there is something else that keeps me grounded.

I can’t stay at home for too long because my feet get itchy and mind starts to wander to new countries. But at the same time being in a new country for too long tires me endlessly. Waking up is hard. Let me tell you a secret: I may be staying in this amazing new country with so many places to explore but all I can think about is that I want to go back home. There are so many things to see. Maybe too much.

This may not make sense to you but for me, it’s the reality. I am lost like usually and still, I know exactly where I should go. Traveling is my thing. Definitely. But so is staying at home, sleeping long and just writing endless stories while staying in my bed from morning until I am too hungry to continue. I want both. Is it wrong of me to not want to decide?

In perfect case scenario, I would live every other month in a new city. Tourist attractions, unknown streets and writing my diary in small cozy cafes while watching the locals around me. Writing travel blog about my experiences and thoughts while experiencing all these unforgettable things. Finding new friends and meeting the ones who I have met before because of this crazy life of traveling I currently live.

But then after a month or sometimes maybe two, I would take that plane back to home. My back would be full of souvenirs and gifts for my family and friends. My blog would be still full of travel photos and stories I haven’t yet been ready to share. The first few days would just go by sleeping in my own bed and watching Netflix, relaxing and meeting friends. Then my days would be full of writing. Stories of my adventures but also about everything else. Going to seminars or attending to all kind of open university glasses.

For a month or sometimes maybe two, I would hang out back at home walking the streets I know so well. During that time I could work even more writing and maybe doing a little bit of translating to get by. My main aim, however, should be creative writing that I am even now studying. Then after that time at home, my feet would take me again to new countries and unknown places.

Being free and going where ever you want. Is that too much to ask?

With love,

Viivi who wants everything

 

Being Finnish

Sixth of December
Last year has been an interesting one for all the Finns. Our beloved home country Finland turns 100 years old. There have been blue colors, special events and waiting all around our country for the whole year. We have talked about it to the point that you could call it too much.

They even sold Suomi/Finland 100 bread, shampoo, toilet paper, alcohol, and rollators. Yeah, we are kind of crazy.

All this partying and celebrating ends today when it is Finland’s independence day. All the Finns (even me from New York) stay the evening in front of their TV screens watching when our president and his wife shake hands with hundreds of people. You will see all the most important Finnish celebrities but also a lot of normal Finns who got invited. Every year it is one of our biggest events but this year Finns have literally gone crazy. (Or is celebrating 100 years of independence usually this big thing?)

Happy 100 years birthday to all my fellow Finnish and Finland!

With love,

Viivi Severina

The first not a date

Fifth of December
I remember the first time someone asked me out. I was eighteen, socially awkward and had never dated anyone. Nothing has changed except my age. At that time I was attending this high school psychology summer course while he was from the Swedish course class next to ours. First time we spoke he asked if he could sit next to me and I had nothing against it.

The next two weeks went by us sitting side by side during the short breaks. I was always listening to music with one headphone on and he kept reading quickly changing books. It was nice I have to admit. I didn’t have to sit alone while everyone else had a friend with them. Then one time he asked me what music I was listening to and after that, we had small conversations every now and then.

He was odd but so was I. One of the last breaks we spent together he started reading love poems in Germany for me. It was probably a sign of interest towards me that anyone else could have seen. I didn’t.

During the last day and last break of my course, I told him that we wouldn’t see anymore. He asked me out. I had no idea that he would do it. And even now I am not sure if he truly wanted to go on date or just see me again as a friend. He asked if I would like to come to the library someday with him. Then I promised to ask him as a friend on Facebook but I never did because I forgot his name before I had time.

I still think of him sometimes even if I never felt anything special towards him. He was the first boy who asked me out –probably- and also the only boy who had asked me out for a few years. Never before had I known that anyone would truly be interested in me.

Next time or better said the next few times happened during my Japan trip. I was never sure if they were interested in me or if it was just a friendly gesture. It was never “Would you like to go out with me?” But isn’t asking someone for coffee kind of the same thing? I have no idea so I have never been sure.

After my Japan trip, it started to happen more occasionally. Not often but every now and then. I realized that when I was traveling other people would get interested in me. Maybe I looked more beautiful or free than back at home? I have no idea why but I gained more attention as a traveler and amongst foreigners than back at home in Finland.

At some point, I came to the closure that it must be that “inner beauty” people so often talk about. I look better when I am happy and free of all worries. Or maybe all those people have just been some creeps that prey on silly traveler girls?

With love,

Undateable Viivi

Poem Rant

Third of December
Last weekend was my second time on the creative writing university course I am currently attending to. The theme of this second weekend was poems. My relationship with poems could be described as awkward and almost hostile:

I hate poems. I always end up writing poems. For some odd reason, other people love the poems I write. They love the poems I don’t want to write.

Reading poems isn’t for me. I know there is a lot of people in this world who share my opinion. They think that poetry is boring, too hard to understand and not for them. Only the last claim describes me.

Poems aren’t boring. You just have to find the right ones. Even music and especially rap songs would be poems if we wrote them down and forgot the sound. And who doesn’t listen to music?

Anyone can understand poems. If you say that I am wrong, then you have never even tried. Find a poem and read it ten times. That’s it. Now you understand it. There is no one way to read poems. Everyone understand them differently depending on their own mind and life experiences. Sometimes the poets can’t even understand their own poems so you shouldn’t stress too much. Just read a poem and let your own thoughts fly.

Even if you think that the poem is deathly boring. Last weekend taught me that it is okay to hate poems. As long as you are feeling something the poems are doing their job right.

tomatoes, you know, are real
that is, if they remain tomatoes
if they try to be melons, however,
they then become fakes
though everything and everyone is real
in their own way,
it seems we always try so hard to become fakes
-Mitsuo Aida

I know I started this text by saying that I hate poems. Maybe it is a lie? My lacking English is on the way. The better way to say this may be “I hate poetry”. I am not sure. I hate poems but then again there are poems I love more than anything else. Like that Mitsuo Aida’s tomato poem above.

I first saw this poem at Mitsuo Aida museum in Tokyo, Japan. It was written in Japanese and this is just the translation. I have no idea if it is as good in Japanese but like this, it described my feeling at that time. Before going to Japan I had tried to be a melon. I applied to university, tried my best to create a normal life and just played this role of someone I was expected to be.

Then I went to Japan. For the first time in a long while, I felt like I was a tomato again. I had to buy a postcard with this text in it. I think I lost it during the three months I spent in Japan but I still can’t forget this poem.

So, I don’t hate poems. Some poems touch my heart, make me smile or occasionally even laugh out loud. It’s awkward and maybe a little hostile but I love poems and writing them.

With love,

Hard To Understand Viivi

First snow blues

Second of December
First snow. I want to hate it. It means winter, coldness, wearing too many clothes all the time and never going outside. Snow means one year is coming to the end too soon. What there is not to hate? And still, I am like a kid. Running around trying to catch the snowflakes with my tongue. Everything turns white and looks so magical. People are laughing after long dark autumn and children running around making snow angels. What there is not to love? How could I hate this?

 

(This is text I wrote earlier this year during the first snow. I wanted to publish it but I just didn’t have anything else to say. So, here it is. Why do you hate and love first snow?)

With love,

Childish Viivi

 

First of December

I haven’t been busy but I have no time. Because I am some kind of stupid idiot, I have decided to study two university degrees at the same time. Why did I ever think that this would be a good idea? I study creative writing. It is my passion. It is my thing. But then I decided to continue my business studies that I declared as too simple and boring for me.

It’s partly because of money. Finland’s government helps financially those who study in “real university”. My creative writing is only an open university. A writer isn’t a job in Finland. Or so most of us seem to think. So, why I try so hard to be something not possible? Why is writing my only real passion? Even traveling seems dull and irrelevant next to days used writing never-ending stories.

I don’t have time for my blogs. Maybe trying to write three blogs wasn’t possible in the first place? All the inspiration I used to have is now written for other people who order blog articles from me. I miss writing for myself. Writing whatever I want and without worrying about grammar and being 100% correct.

This is why I am writing now. This December I will write more. After New Year I will start normal rhythm. Travel blog once a week. Random posts here whenever I want. Photos to my photo blog as often as possible.

Today is the first day of December. 24 days till Christmas. Maybe I have all the elements to do writing Chrismas calender? 24 posts. Can I do it?

With love,

Hopeful Viivi

10 Minutes Thursday

I have decided to start new writing series in this lost side blog of mine. If you don’t know, I started studying creative writing in university. And if you are ever studied writing in any way you may be familiar with this technique. 10 minutes of writing without stopping to think anything at any point. You just write whatever comes to your mind without editing or deleting. So, here is my first 10 minutes of writing the flow of my thoughts.
Expect to see more of this every Thursday!

I change my mind. I change my life. I change everything every day and every moment. I am allergic to staying, being and just getting stuck. My friends work towards that one goal they want. People I knew back at my childhood and teen years have families, homes and real work. I write, I travel and I change my plans daily.

My mind is running every second of the day. What new can I do today? What new can I try now? I try to be something totally different. Too long in one place is like death sentence for me. How can some people just keep living that same old life they were “meant to live”? I have wanted to be everything from rock start to astronaut and I still do even now. I may be adult but my mind keeps dreaming about these things others call silly.

I only have this one life but my mind wants to do hundred of different things. And that’s why I write. I write to live millions of lives in one lifetime. I write to see countries that don’t even exist and to fall in love with people who would never even see me in the real life. I write about fears and winning them so I will be strong. My stories are here to make me better person who can dream and achieve those dreams one by one. Never giving up.

Most people don’t get it. I never really speak about it. What writing means for me? Why do I write? I can’t even explain it with words. Writing is the only way to speak about it. I write to create something beautiful instead of seeing this scary ugly world outside of my window. Writing is my way of escaping. It’s my way of living.

With love,

Viivi Who Writes