Whatever I fail or succeed…

I am like small kid on her first day of school. Except I am literally dying because I am so scared. 30 minutes before I have to leave. 1 hour of driving before I will be there. My stress level is out of the roof. I don’t know if this is good or bed thing. I don’t think I have been this scared of anything in long time. Especially not about starting school. Is that good or bad sign?

Today is my first day in university. Today is the day I finally start studying something I have always dreamed of but never truly believed would be possible.

Creative writing.

I am going to study creative writing. My head is screaming that this is bad idea but at the same time that this is the only right route I can take. Writing is my thing. I has always been. I was one of the last people on my class at school who learned how to read and write but after I started there was no stopping me. Being writer would be the only right job for me.

But I already know today is going to be hard. There will be other people. People who are probably better than I. People who write amazing stories, who have experience and who know what they are doing. I have just never finished books, anxiety and doubt of my own skills. It’s always as hard to show my texts for others. My first reaction is always wait for the critic. I love writing but it doesn’t mean I am good at it, right?

My heart is bounding so loudly, hands shaking and stomach hurting. It’s hard to breath and there is this never ending screaming voice in my head. I am scared. I am so scared of this evening. And still there is this stubborn kid inside of me telling how I have finally found the right way.

I would give everything to just write everyday. I would stop traveling, I would stay locked in my room for weeks, I would only eat healthy food for the rest of my life. Anything to write. Be writer.

So, wish me luck. I am going to try with all I got. Whatever I fail or succeed. Whatever my fears are trying to take me down. This is my dream and the only thing I can really do with my life.

With love,

Viivi with Dreams

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Back home but not really

Hello there!
How are you? I have just returned to home from my almost three weeks long trip around Eastern Europe and like always after coming back home I am kind of lost. I love just relaxing at home but at the same time I have too much time. Nothing has changed even if once again I have learned so many new things.

I have had an adventure that should change the whole world but everything is like before I left. My room is still a big mess and far from the point where I could even think about cleaning it. My family and friends still go to school and work like before I left. Everyone smiles and talks like I had been here all along. They have all the rights to continue their lives like before but it’s hard for me.

Every time I come back I want to leave again even more badly. My feet get itchy and mind wonders thousands of kilometers to other worlds. I can’t stop writing stories of my feelings. Maybe I am just meant to be wanderer who never returns? But then again I know that this three weeks was close to my own limit. Waking up in new city every other day is amazing but gets tiring after a while. I needed this break and still my mind just wants to go despite the tiredness of my body.

Traveling is addictive. It’s a little bit like smoking or using drugs. You know that being on the road all the time won’t be good for you. It’s stressful and it wears down your body. You know you shouldn’t and still you keep looking for those new flights like alcoholic for the bottle. You just have to and that’s it.

I have been at home for two days. Two full days and I already feel like my mind never truly returned. I love being at home. I love seeing my friends and family. I love sleeping in my own bed dreaming endlessly of nothing. I love just being here and relaxing in the safe environment I am used to. I love home but for some reason I can’t enjoy it for 100%. There is always this small voice telling me to go. Go and see new places, new worlds, new miracles.

Is this just me? Or is this one of the traveler problems we all have? Maybe I have just bad case of wanderlust or my mind is tired of the normal life. Whatever the reason is I am not sure how to control this. Writing seems to help. Writing this blog, writing stories and even writing work things. My two passions. Writing and traveling. I have to find the balance between them…

So, have you ever felt like this? What is in your mind after you have returned from big adventure?

With love,

Always Lost Viivi

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Scared of Writing

I have no idea what to write.

I am surprised that I have been writing my travel blog for year and half. Usually my blogging has stopped after the first few months. Now I have been writing bravely even when it has been tiring. And then these last two months happened. I have zero inspiration to write blog. I mean I truly want to and I have ideas but for some reason I just can’t find the strenght to start.

Writing is hard and complicated.

Having readers makes it easier but still so impossible at times. I feel like my English sucks. My posts are just too long and boring. I am writing things that no one wants to read. Why can’t it just be easy? Why I have to care so much?

I have so many stories I want to share with people who for some reason read my texts. I never wrote about my Gdansk or Brighton adventures. Both of those trips have many funny stories I want to tell. In Gdansk I met crazy umbrella man who made me hate gender stereotypes and in Brighton I fell all over again for solo travel. So many stories, so little inspiration.

Maybe that’s why I started writing for this blog again. I for some reason lost all my readers here when playing with hosting services and that may have been the best thing ever. About 20 readers. It feels like a freedom again. Maybe this will help me to find that feeling of writing without caring of anything.

It’s kind of funny that I am so stressed out of people reading my texts. Usually I am that person who cares of nothing. I travel even if my friends and family don’t think it is a good idea. I dress like I want and don’t use make-up just because it’s too tiring. It’s my life and I will do what I want. But this writing thing has always been my weak spot. I love it too much so any bad comment makes me panic. What if I am not good enough? What if this thing I love more than anything (even more than travel) won’t work out?

I have always been good at writing. Not so much in English but in Finnish. People have always praised my writings. During school years I always got full score from creative writing assignments. I loved writing and others loved reading my texts.

Right now I can easily say that writing is my thing and that I am good at it. One year ago the situation was totally different. If someone praised my writing, I thought they were just lying. When someone asked what I can do well, I always thought about writing but never said it out loud. I was ashamed. I still am sometimes but it is getting easier. There is so many people who are better than I at this creative writing thing so how could I ever be good enough in it.

I can now admit that writing is my thing and that I can’t do anything else with my life if I truly want to be happy. And that’s why writing is so scary. If I fail what is left of me? If writing doesn’t work out what can I do?

So, here I am stuck with these feelings. I have no idea how to get over them and maybe there is no other way than just keep writing.

With love,

Scaredy-Cat Viivi

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I don’t want to leave, but I can’t stay

Week before traveling is always the hardest but also the easiest time for me. I am never truly there. My mind is already traveling towards the soon to be adventures, new cities I will take over and those experiences only I can… well… experience. Whatever I do in the end my mind will go back to the things I have to pack, counting the minutes to my take-off and of course planning all the things I will do.

It is hard to be truly here back at home but at the same time it is a lot easier week when compared to other week of my back at home life. Why? I know that I am leaving soon. It may sound bad. I would love to be someone who loved to be back at home with her family and never leave everyone else behind. But I can’t and that’s why the days before traveling are some of the best ones I ever have back at home.

During these few days my mind is always at traveling but at the same time I am meeting so many friends, spending time with my family and trying to enjoy every second I have with them. I love being back at home because of these people so dear to me and still nothing could hold me here for too long. It makes week before traveling so important.

During this time I always remember why these people are so close to my heart and why I have to return after having my own small adventure.

Sometimes it feels like I am living between two words. I have two totally different personalities. I am Viivi who never wants to leave and I am Viivi who never wants to stay. It’s unsettling and still I wouldn’t change it to anything.

So, these next few days I will enjoy my life here back at home. I will meet friends, I will help my sister at moving to her first own home, I will eat Finnish food and live in my grandpa’s basement. But then on Sunday I will board the plane. I will go towards my new adventure, I will write all the time, I will meet new people, eat new foods and enjoy every second of this time I so badly need.

This is my life and for some odd reason I have grown to love it.

Sorry for yet another random text. I hope you are having an amazing day.
With love,

Viivi with mixed feelings 

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Photo: Nik MacMillan

I have been thinking…

I have been thinking.

Is life really worth living if you do something you don’t love from the bottom of your heart?

Is there really reason to be if you study something just because everyone expects you to do it. Or just because you don’t know what else to do so you just pick out the easiest route.

I have been thinking and it is never a good sign. I think everyone still remembers the last time because it ended up me leaving for Japan for three months. That time I returned even if I felt like it was the wrong decision. Someone asked me why I wouldn’t continue from Japan to Korea and to Taiwan, China, Philippines and to the whole world. I didn’t have answer for them. Everyone was waiting me back at home so I returned. For a few weeks it was okay. For a short moment I felt like I knew where I was going in my life.

And then I didn’t anymore.

I applied to universities but in the end I didn’t want to study any of the subjects. During the exams I was really sick and didn’t get in any of the places. Maybe I should have seen that as a sign to think again my life choices. I didn’t.

My mum found me open place from business school and against my own intuition I went there. What else would have I done? Where else would I have gone?

We are taught that life is long line of things you have to do. First school. Then you start working. The better pay you get the better life you will have. After working a while you will find love, get married, have children, buy your first own home. Then you work a little more until you retire. Perfect happy life.

Expect, I never saw myself living like that.

I never really had any dream professions. For the longest time I told for everyone that I wanted to be veterinarian. And in a way I wanted. When everyone kept asking me what I wanted to do when I grow up I had to come up with some kind of idea. Everyone else had one so of course I also had to have dream. Veterinarian was my choice because if I had to be stuck with one job for the rest of my life at least I would help some animals and humans at the same time.

It took me several years to realize that my dream job would never make me happy. I had decided it because saying veterinarian was easy. Because studying it would be easy and doing it for the rest of my life would be easy. It was job that made everyone else smile because it sounds good, the salary is good, it’s highly admired, it’s something everyone else saw me doing in the future.

I have been thinking and I have many dreams for my own future.

The problem?

I am not yet quite sure what those dreams are. Only recently I have started to think them more.  Today was probably the first day I intentionally began thinking ‘what are my dreams?’

Right now I only know a few things.

  • I love writing more than anything. If I could decide, I would write all day everyday.
  • Traveling makes me feel like I am truly living.
  • Blogging seems to be my thing and I am surprisingly good at it.
  • I have made some money writing blog posts and translating files. All the feedback has been positive until now.
  • Standing in one place for too long or doing one thing for the rest of my life seems impossible

But what do I want to do with my life?

Is there reason for me to study something I don’t want to do? How can I find the reason for my own life? Is there even way to find the meaning of life? Have some of us just made to live without purpose?

So many questions and no answers.

I have been thinking and I am lost. That’s never good combination.

With love,

Viivi Severina

More Travel Planning…

Last week I was so excited about my new camera that I totally forgot to write about this trip I planned earlier that week. So, surprise! I am right now writing this weekly wrap-up in plane flying towards Bremen. If you read my travel blog, you probably already knew that but here I am once again traveling towards big adventure.

So last week went by getting ready for my trip and having week full of Eurovision. Firstly about this travel plan. I will be traveling the next two weeks. First to Bremen and then after a few days to London and Brighton. You may be surprised but I studied German for seven years. (I can’t say anything…) So, I have wanted to visit there almost half of my life. I went once to Berlin but we only stayed for one day and only attended to concert.

Brighton has also been on my bucket list forever. I don’t even remember when and from where I first heard about this place but I knew immediately that this city was meant for me. I don’t know if any of you has ever felt it but for me some cities just awake feeling of belonging. Brighton is definitely one of those places.

It was kind if hard to get ready for my trip because at the same time we had crazy Eurovision week. Finland didn’t get in the finals (this is third time in the row but let’s not talk about that…). However, there was some amazing performances this year. That opera pop man was one of my favorites. And as person who loves music mixing different genres to one big mess rapping yodeling just stole my heart.

My opinion of the winner? Well, it wasn’t bad and he doesn’t deserve the hate he gets. I just didn’t like the song and singer’s style personally. Also, I am so happy about Portugal’s win! (And not only because I had been planning to travel to see the Eurovision next year with my friend.) Finland has won once with Lordi so I am always happy for other countries winning for the first time.

Watching Eurovision with family is like tradition and even if I have many friends who don’t care at all what happens in this music competition my family has always been kind of Eurovision freaks. (Not severely but we watch all the semis and final and everything else concerning Eurovision.)

I have nothing else. My week was super boring so nothing more to share. Next Monday will be more interesting and full of pretty travel photos. If I just learn to use my lovely new camera before that… I am hopeless with using it…

With love,

Viivi Severina

 

So…University? Or..?

It’s again that time of the year! I have to throw dices, pick eyes shut and randomly decide universities to apply for. I know I am in one right now but this isn’t really my thing and my parents (+everyone else) thinks that I should study something different.

Problem?

I have no idea what! So this post is basically going to be me not applying anywhere, trying to find THAT right university for myself and of course random talk about nothing important. So… are you ready? Let’s get random and try to solve this impossible puzzle of my school problems.

Right now I am studying business in small city far far away from my home town. It is not ideal but I have liked some of the subject we study here. Marketing is something I would see myself studying more but I totally suck at it so probably not the best career choice. I am extremely good at money, legal, computer and documentation things but I have totally slept through all those classes because it was too easy. I would die to boredom if I had to study more of that.

One possible option: studying business remotely.

+ I LOVE remote and internet studying
+ Possible to do the work anywhere
+ More travelling? And blogging?
+ Those interesting marketing courses
– Limited possibilities / only a few different courses
– Where would I live? Going back to home is not option…
– What would be my future career?
– Two days / a month ‘real’ school days

If I choose that remote studying option, the next step is to choose do I want to continue in the school I am right now or do I was to try to get in some other school. My current university is nice but it’s expensive to come here for a few days every month. Problem is that I don’t know if I can get in to other similar universities from my university.

Old dream: Psychology

+ I studied all possible courses in high school
+ Talking with people, reading others, etc. is my strength
+ I dreamed about this for a few years
– Hard to get in
– I am not sure if this is my dream anymore

Psychology was something I really enjoyed in high school. Other courses I never really studied or tried but in my psychology classes I was always listening, writing things up and really trying. In the end I never even tried to get in. I don’t even know why. Maybe it just isn’t my thing?

New interest: Translation & English

+ Apparently I am good translator
+ I enjoy translating and could see it as my job
+ I can study English literature at the same time
– My spoken English is bad so…
– It seems quite boring thing to study
– Once again is my English good enough?

I have done quite a few translating gigs this year and it seems like I have found my hidden talent. I even enjoy doing it. However I am not sure if it is something I want to do for the rest of my life. It’s only something I would see myself doing for a while. Also there (and in entrance exams) I have to speak English and I just can’t pronounce any words…

What even is this? Cultural Producer

+ Sounds interesting and combines all things I love
+ Partly remote program
+ Culture is always good thing
– I am not leader
– I have no idea what this career would be
– My parents would never agree

I just found this field of study but I have no idea what it really is. Well, I have a few days to find more information. Maybe it’s my thing?

For my writer side: Journalism

+ I love writing
– I don’t see myself as journalist
– I could never write “official” texts

Why can’t there just be job that would allow me to travel the world, write for hours everyday, meet new people, volunteer and keep learning different kind of subjects forever? I am lost case. Nothing interests me. How can I even choose one thing to do for the rest of my life??!?

There is so many more universities and fields I could talk about but I am now feeling so helpless that let’s not talk more about that. I didn’t really find any interesting subjects! So many options and still nothing that fits me.

 

Any tips how to find that right future career for me? (Don’t suggest career tests because those always tell that I would be good priest, relationship counselor, entrepreneur or librarian… No thanks!) 

Do you have any problems with deciding your future career? Or did you have these problems before? And like always all comments are welcome (even if you wanted to tell me about your day!)

With love,

Viivi Severina

Not so anonymous blog anymore

So like you may know I have been writing my blogs secretly from my family and friends. Writing blog is quite embarrassing. My English isn’t that good and my posts plainly boring for the most of the time. I meant to tell them when I got thousand readers but internet beat me on that.

My blog isn’t secret anymore. My family and friends know about it.

How did that happen?

Well, let me tell you a story…

Week ago on Friday right after I had published my Photo Diary I opened my Instagram. (Once again shamelessly self promoting: Check out my Instagram for boring photos and me trying to be artistic! Spoiler: I’m only TRYING to be artistic…) But back to the story, it was quite a shock when first thing I saw was my cousins face and name pop up as person who had just followed me.

Apparently Instagram had suggested my account as person she maybe knows. It’s still mystery how that is possible. I have been over protective of my accounts and haven’t used them with my Facebook or other personal social medias. I mean I have used them only in my iPad and haven’t never used that iPad to log in my Facebook, etc. Internet knows too much…

But after my cousins knew I had to tell for my family  and best friends. Now I have too much stress about this writing thing! I never guessed it would be this had when you know someone important may read what you say. (I don’t mean you aren’t important but someone who knows who really knows my identity.) 

So hello family and friends if you are reading this! Welcome to my blog and please don’t dig too deeply what I have been writing because I really have no idea what you may find.

 

With love,

Viivi Severina

Hello

It has been while hasn’t it! But now I’m back and trying to write more also in this blog. And shamelessly self promoting check out my TRAVEL BLOG. I write every Friday travel post there.

So what’s up with me?

I moved to new city, started new school and have new everything. With one word I have been busy. But I have also had fun. I’m studying business and feel like it is the right thing for me. I also do a lot of writing and translating work in Fiverr and feel like that is something I would enjoy doing the rest of my life. And then of course I have been writing my own travel blog that has grown too quickly.

In two days I will go to London for few days with my sister. And after that I have to return school where I will have busy two months before Christmas holiday. Going back to London feels extremely thrilling. I have been there three times and never get enough of the city.

We will also go to the Harry Potter studio tour! My childhood dreams coming to alive. Buying the ticket was hard but whatever for the Harry Potter experience.Any tips what I should do in London?

Youtube

So I promised that I will start youtube when my blogs have one thousand readers (and then I changed it to when my travel blog has one thousand readers…) That day is soon here! Like in week or something. I have been planning my channel and am excited but totally scared.

Being in front of camera isn’t something I’m good at and pronouncing English is something I’m even worse than just speaking for camera. Also until now my blogging identity has been anonymous but in videos I have to show myself. Once I but them online they will never be erased.

However even if I’m scared I will do this! It is one of my dreams. And it will make my English better and that was the reason I even started blogging.

I think there will be two channel I will make. One for travel videos and another for anything else. Not in the same time but eventually, someday in the far future. Or at least maybe… I hope I can do them.

If you have any tips for me I would love to hear them!

I hope you are doing well.

With love,

Viivi Severina

 

Monthly Addictions

I tried to do this thing of telling you about my favorite movies, music, etc. at the end of every week but like you may see I failed badly. So now lets try me writing about my current addictions in the end of every month.

My month in a few words:

September has been busy month for me. I started new school in unknown place in the end of last month and I got my first apartment on the first day of this month. My weeks have been full of school and getting used to living alone. There has been a few catastrophic accidents (like almost blowing up my microwave) but I have survived. All my weekends have gone by traveling between my new home and my childhood home. But I love this kind of small road trips through Finland so it’s okay.

img_9942

My September addictions…

 

Food

Almost free school food

In Finland our school food is either free or super cheap. Lunch does cost 1,40€ for me and I live for that moment of the day. I don’t have oven on my own apartment so I live on microwave food expect the school days. And our school food is really tasty and we have different kind of breads and salads to go with it.

.           .          .

Movies

Inside Out

September has been full of animation movies for me. Today I enjoyed the Pixar movie Inside Out about emotions living on teen girl’s brains. I loved it! It was kind of funny because my personality is a lot like the Sadness characters and I have a lot of friends who are just like the Happiness character. Even if I’m not always happy I still have my place in this world!

.           .          .

TV-series

Blindspot

This crime TV series started in Finland last month and I have been totally hooked. Strong cool female lead with mysterious past is something I will always enjoy to see. And good looking male lead is good bonus. The tattoos Jane Doe has on her body are amazing and make my aesthetic side scream of happiness.

.           .          .

Manga

Nanbaka

I found this manga to be good stress relief when I have been to busy to properly read any manga. The chapters are short and characters lovable. Who doesn’t love to read about handsome boys who just happen to be a little crazy dangerous criminals in prison? Sorry, I have problems with my bad boy complex…

.           .          .

Songs

Alma – Karma

I bring the karma to your game. You better run run run yeah! I was totally hooked with this amazing Finnish singer at the beginning of September and this song still makes me sing along. This is totally my fighting song or maybe better said my “I want to be badass” song because I’m totally loser.

Blackpink – Boombayah

I would love this band only for it’s name but fortunately their music is even better than the name. I think my new class mates must think I’m crazy because I may or may not always dance on my way to school while listening this song. Boombayah!

.           .          .

The important questions of this month…

Can I microwave frozen onion rings?

-Answer is: you shouldn’t probably test that. I think I almost caused fire by trying. Ups…

How do I change the battery of fire alarm?

-I haven’t yet figured this out. I will update you next month if I finally found someone to teach me how to change it…

How is living alone going?

-If we don’t think the few times I have almost killed my self or destroyed the whole house, I would say I have done quite well. I’m still alive and I think no one excepted that when I left home month ago!

Should I give up learning new languages?

-At the start of this month I got this good idea of going to Japanese language class. Now I’m in problems because I’m the worst in learning languages… Answer for this question is I should but I will probably never stop trying.

.           .          .

Where have I travelled?

streetart
My new home town has crazy street art!

This month has been busy one so I only travelled around Finland. I visited many cities like Rovaniemi, Kannus, Kalajoki, Kajaani and Oulu. I have also been adventuring around my new hometown.

.           .          .

Plans for October…

I have booked week long trip to London because I have time off from school. The rest of October I will be working and doing school stuff. Nothing extraordinary. Well expect I should start the Youtube channel I promised to make when I get 1 000 readers for my blog. (We already passed that point so I’m a little late…)

.           .          .

 

How has your month been? I hope you have had amazing time!

With love,

Viivi Severina