Poem Rant

Third of December
Last weekend was my second time on the creative writing university course I am currently attending to. The theme of this second weekend was poems. My relationship with poems could be described as awkward and almost hostile:

I hate poems. I always end up writing poems. For some odd reason, other people love the poems I write. They love the poems I don’t want to write.

Reading poems isn’t for me. I know there is a lot of people in this world who share my opinion. They think that poetry is boring, too hard to understand and not for them. Only the last claim describes me.

Poems aren’t boring. You just have to find the right ones. Even music and especially rap songs would be poems if we wrote them down and forgot the sound. And who doesn’t listen to music?

Anyone can understand poems. If you say that I am wrong, then you have never even tried. Find a poem and read it ten times. That’s it. Now you understand it. There is no one way to read poems. Everyone understand them differently depending on their own mind and life experiences. Sometimes the poets can’t even understand their own poems so you shouldn’t stress too much. Just read a poem and let your own thoughts fly.

Even if you think that the poem is deathly boring. Last weekend taught me that it is okay to hate poems. As long as you are feeling something the poems are doing their job right.

tomatoes, you know, are real
that is, if they remain tomatoes
if they try to be melons, however,
they then become fakes
though everything and everyone is real
in their own way,
it seems we always try so hard to become fakes
-Mitsuo Aida

I know I started this text by saying that I hate poems. Maybe it is a lie? My lacking English is on the way. The better way to say this may be “I hate poetry”. I am not sure. I hate poems but then again there are poems I love more than anything else. Like that Mitsuo Aida’s tomato poem above.

I first saw this poem at Mitsuo Aida museum in Tokyo, Japan. It was written in Japanese and this is just the translation. I have no idea if it is as good in Japanese but like this, it described my feeling at that time. Before going to Japan I had tried to be a melon. I applied to university, tried my best to create a normal life and just played this role of someone I was expected to be.

Then I went to Japan. For the first time in a long while, I felt like I was a tomato again. I had to buy a postcard with this text in it. I think I lost it during the three months I spent in Japan but I still can’t forget this poem.

So, I don’t hate poems. Some poems touch my heart, make me smile or occasionally even laugh out loud. It’s awkward and maybe a little hostile but I love poems and writing them.

With love,

Hard To Understand Viivi

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First of December

I haven’t been busy but I have no time. Because I am some kind of stupid idiot, I have decided to study two university degrees at the same time. Why did I ever think that this would be a good idea? I study creative writing. It is my passion. It is my thing. But then I decided to continue my business studies that I declared as too simple and boring for me.

It’s partly because of money. Finland’s government helps financially those who study in “real university”. My creative writing is only an open university. A writer isn’t a job in Finland. Or so most of us seem to think. So, why I try so hard to be something not possible? Why is writing my only real passion? Even traveling seems dull and irrelevant next to days used writing never-ending stories.

I don’t have time for my blogs. Maybe trying to write three blogs wasn’t possible in the first place? All the inspiration I used to have is now written for other people who order blog articles from me. I miss writing for myself. Writing whatever I want and without worrying about grammar and being 100% correct.

This is why I am writing now. This December I will write more. After New Year I will start normal rhythm. Travel blog once a week. Random posts here whenever I want. Photos to my photo blog as often as possible.

Today is the first day of December. 24 days till Christmas. Maybe I have all the elements to do writing Chrismas calender? 24 posts. Can I do it?

With love,

Hopeful Viivi

Whatever I fail or succeed…

I am like small kid on her first day of school. Except I am literally dying because I am so scared. 30 minutes before I have to leave. 1 hour of driving before I will be there. My stress level is out of the roof. I don’t know if this is good or bed thing. I don’t think I have been this scared of anything in long time. Especially not about starting school. Is that good or bad sign?

Today is my first day in university. Today is the day I finally start studying something I have always dreamed of but never truly believed would be possible.

Creative writing.

I am going to study creative writing. My head is screaming that this is bad idea but at the same time that this is the only right route I can take. Writing is my thing. I has always been. I was one of the last people on my class at school who learned how to read and write but after I started there was no stopping me. Being writer would be the only right job for me.

But I already know today is going to be hard. There will be other people. People who are probably better than I. People who write amazing stories, who have experience and who know what they are doing. I have just never finished books, anxiety and doubt of my own skills. It’s always as hard to show my texts for others. My first reaction is always wait for the critic. I love writing but it doesn’t mean I am good at it, right?

My heart is bounding so loudly, hands shaking and stomach hurting. It’s hard to breath and there is this never ending screaming voice in my head. I am scared. I am so scared of this evening. And still there is this stubborn kid inside of me telling how I have finally found the right way.

I would give everything to just write everyday. I would stop traveling, I would stay locked in my room for weeks, I would only eat healthy food for the rest of my life. Anything to write. Be writer.

So, wish me luck. I am going to try with all I got. Whatever I fail or succeed. Whatever my fears are trying to take me down. This is my dream and the only thing I can really do with my life.

With love,

Viivi with Dreams

I have been thinking…

I have been thinking.

Is life really worth living if you do something you don’t love from the bottom of your heart?

Is there really reason to be if you study something just because everyone expects you to do it. Or just because you don’t know what else to do so you just pick out the easiest route.

I have been thinking and it is never a good sign. I think everyone still remembers the last time because it ended up me leaving for Japan for three months. That time I returned even if I felt like it was the wrong decision. Someone asked me why I wouldn’t continue from Japan to Korea and to Taiwan, China, Philippines and to the whole world. I didn’t have answer for them. Everyone was waiting me back at home so I returned. For a few weeks it was okay. For a short moment I felt like I knew where I was going in my life.

And then I didn’t anymore.

I applied to universities but in the end I didn’t want to study any of the subjects. During the exams I was really sick and didn’t get in any of the places. Maybe I should have seen that as a sign to think again my life choices. I didn’t.

My mum found me open place from business school and against my own intuition I went there. What else would have I done? Where else would I have gone?

We are taught that life is long line of things you have to do. First school. Then you start working. The better pay you get the better life you will have. After working a while you will find love, get married, have children, buy your first own home. Then you work a little more until you retire. Perfect happy life.

Expect, I never saw myself living like that.

I never really had any dream professions. For the longest time I told for everyone that I wanted to be veterinarian. And in a way I wanted. When everyone kept asking me what I wanted to do when I grow up I had to come up with some kind of idea. Everyone else had one so of course I also had to have dream. Veterinarian was my choice because if I had to be stuck with one job for the rest of my life at least I would help some animals and humans at the same time.

It took me several years to realize that my dream job would never make me happy. I had decided it because saying veterinarian was easy. Because studying it would be easy and doing it for the rest of my life would be easy. It was job that made everyone else smile because it sounds good, the salary is good, it’s highly admired, it’s something everyone else saw me doing in the future.

I have been thinking and I have many dreams for my own future.

The problem?

I am not yet quite sure what those dreams are. Only recently I have started to think them more.  Today was probably the first day I intentionally began thinking ‘what are my dreams?’

Right now I only know a few things.

  • I love writing more than anything. If I could decide, I would write all day everyday.
  • Traveling makes me feel like I am truly living.
  • Blogging seems to be my thing and I am surprisingly good at it.
  • I have made some money writing blog posts and translating files. All the feedback has been positive until now.
  • Standing in one place for too long or doing one thing for the rest of my life seems impossible

But what do I want to do with my life?

Is there reason for me to study something I don’t want to do? How can I find the reason for my own life? Is there even way to find the meaning of life? Have some of us just made to live without purpose?

So many questions and no answers.

I have been thinking and I am lost. That’s never good combination.

With love,

Viivi Severina

I Need Insane Courage

Few days ago I published the article linked below in my travel blog. I really needed the message it was trying to tell. I have been missing from internet (meaning not much time for blogging, social media, etc.) for exactly week today. If you are now asking what happened to me, let me tell you shortly.

Week ago I got confirmation from school. I got in to study business. It was little crazy because I only had two days before my school would start far away from my home. I didn’t have apartment, nor did I know the city I would be living the next three years.

Somehow I survived to this new scary city and even successfully attended to my first four school days. Only negative sides I have to say is that I’m so tired my writing won’t probably make a lot of sense (sorry…)

Yeah, but just wanted to update you that I’m still alive and will soon write more about my embarrassing and interesting school life. (Embarrassing because I’m the world’s most awkward person and my attempts to make friends are not been pretty to watch…)

I hope you are having amazing start for your week!
With love,

Viivi Severina

— — — — — — — — — —

 

I’m addicted to getting lost. Walking unknown paths, not having map, getting scared of unfamiliar streets. Some people would say I am crazy. And maybe that is why I keep most of my los…

Source: Travel Rant: Insane Courage

Diary: Train Traveling (Again)

Hello dear diary!

I’m on my way back to home. It’s 2AM but I can’t sleep. I have never been good at sleeping in moving vechicles. I still havefive hours to go before I can enjoy my own confy bed. Last five hours have gone by watching Netflix but now it’s getting boring. So I decided to write about my day here! (Probably bad idea because I’m so tired…Sorry not sorry!)

So today I had my school entrance exams. I didn’t know what to expect when I walked in the school (after getting lost and running for my life so I would not be late…) I think I have quite good changes to get in but it’s still scary. So much depends how well I did in that exam. 

In two weeks I may move to Rovaniemi. Ten hours train trip away from my current home, friends and family. Or if I don’t get in I will go to not so interesting school which is closer to home. So much can change in so small amount of time. I don’t even know when the results will come out!

Well however now back to the exam. One of the tasks was to write motivation letter and explain why would you be fitting to this school. There was only 20 minutes time to write it. I paniced. In the end I explained about my blog and how I only started few months ago and now have 600 followers. I told that it may never be anything but I want to explore my blog writing skills more.

I don’t know if it was good move to tell about it. All the other people in the exam seemed so mature. What if the teachers just think I don’t fit in and am too naivi. I’m so scared. I really wanna get in! This is going to be torture waiting for the results…

But yeah I’m sorry about this mess I call a blog post. My brains are so tired after being awake soon for whole day…

I hope you are having good day!

With love, 

Viivi Severina

Diary: Train to my Future

Dear diary,

it’s me again. Today I’m writing from train. I have been sitting here four hours already and have still another four to go. It’s long way but totally worth it. So where I am going?

I haven’t yet talked about this on my blogs but I am following my destiny. I don’t even know if I believe in destiny but if I did this would be perfect example of it happening. This train will take me to other side of Finland and to school entrance exams.

If you have been reading my blogs you may know that year ago I decided to have gap year because I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. Then I volunteered three months in hostels and found the way I want to live. However after I returned home my family pressured me to apply in “good” universities.

I got badly sick just before the university exams were and didn’t get in. I was again without direction in my life. Or so I though. My mum had decided that her daughter will not have yet another gap year and made me to look the school that were still searching for new students.

Today I am going to entrance exam of school where I can learn about hospitality management and tourism. I never tought I would end up living in Lapland but now all I hope is that I will get in this school. I also never ever considered this area of studying before this school.

So four hours to go until I’m in Rovaniemi and one night until the exam. Wish me luck!

With love,

Viivi Severina

PS. Don’t forget to follow my TRAVEL BLOG! I’m soon having 600 readers and can’t really believe so many people would like to read what I have to day.

 

University? Travel? No idea…

Hello!My university entrance exam results just come out and no big surprises there. I didn’t get in. Although I am in position that if 11 persons don’t take their places I will get in. However very unlikely.

So what now?

I have no idea. Right away after revealing to my mom that I didn’t get in she started to rant how I should now try to find job. That’s probably true. I already had one gap year so this another one I should life like adult.

If you have read my travel blog you know that I grave to see the world. I won’t listen mom’s advice even if I will walk towards my own doomed life. Traveling isn’t easy. Without money it is almost impossible.

For my own bad luck (or good luck. Depend how you want to see it.) I have always been the person who wants to break all the odds. When someone tells me I can’t do it, nothing is stopping me from proving them wrong.

Really, so what now?

Well I have Helpx site open and I am trying to look for place/hostel to volunteer for couple of months. Then I should decide some kind of job to do. Working holiday in Australia or New Zealand? Cruise ship work? Something else?

Someone hire me to travel the world! Please?

With love,

Neidotta

Tomorrow Changes Everything

Hi there! Today I was going to post my travel diary from Sweden but I have been so stressed out that it’s still not ready. Basically my university exam results can come out any moment but at the latest tomorrow. To add my stress currently the site where I can see them isn’t working.

So now I am waiting and tomorrow probably staring the web site until I see the results. I’m so scared. One day and I will know how my life is going to play out.

I don’t have any plan right now. I don’t even know how to inform the school that I will take the place if I get accepted in. I don’t know if I want or not to go to school. I’m big mess without future plans.

What if I just want to write and travel?

With love,

Neidotta