Leaving everything for the last minute…

Dear readers,

today I’m trying to write learning diary that I should have started a long time ago and continue doing during the last two months. I haven’t written even one sentence before realizing today that I have only two more days before the deadline. Does this ever happen to you? Or am I the only one who struggles with doing everything last minute?

It’s impossible to recall what we did during the weekend my creative writing course’s last weekend took place. “Creative processes” that’s the subject but I can’t come up even one thing I learned. Not even one idea to add to my learning diary. Neither have I any idea have I even been writing in April or May.

This has to be some kind of punishment for never doing anything on time!

Usually, faking is my specialty. I survived high school with above average scores doing only the minimal amount of homework and never studying to tests if I wasn’t interested (and I was only interested in psychology and writing…) My life has been full of events not requiring me to give my everything for them. After high school, I ended up studying business: I was one of the best but literally skipped half of the classes. Now I’m working on my own but even that doesn’t challenge me enough.

And then I started studying creative writing in open university. Still seems like a dream. For the first time, I really wanted to do everything I could to be the best I can. But getting the full scores doing nothing just didn’t encourage me enough. Maybe this should be the happiest moment of my life? The best of best Finnish creative writing teachers liked my writing enough to give me great feedback and best possible scores! Why can’t I enjoy this moment?

Easy has never been for me. Normal has never been for me. I get bored and that will end killing me. I’m not even kidding…

So, now after not trying and never doing anything I’m getting punished. And even then I know that I will survive with good enough results. It’s sad to live life always trying just enough to keep going but never enough to really get invested in anything.

But I’m not giving up. I never give up. 

Sorry for this odd diary entry. But expect more of them in the future! I’m trying to be real so it means getting my messy thought on the blog…

With love,
Lost Viivi

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Scared of Writing

I have no idea what to write.

I am surprised that I have been writing my travel blog for year and half. Usually my blogging has stopped after the first few months. Now I have been writing bravely even when it has been tiring. And then these last two months happened. I have zero inspiration to write blog. I mean I truly want to and I have ideas but for some reason I just can’t find the strenght to start.

Writing is hard and complicated.

Having readers makes it easier but still so impossible at times. I feel like my English sucks. My posts are just too long and boring. I am writing things that no one wants to read. Why can’t it just be easy? Why I have to care so much?

I have so many stories I want to share with people who for some reason read my texts. I never wrote about my Gdansk or Brighton adventures. Both of those trips have many funny stories I want to tell. In Gdansk I met crazy umbrella man who made me hate gender stereotypes and in Brighton I fell all over again for solo travel. So many stories, so little inspiration.

Maybe that’s why I started writing for this blog again. I for some reason lost all my readers here when playing with hosting services and that may have been the best thing ever. About 20 readers. It feels like a freedom again. Maybe this will help me to find that feeling of writing without caring of anything.

It’s kind of funny that I am so stressed out of people reading my texts. Usually I am that person who cares of nothing. I travel even if my friends and family don’t think it is a good idea. I dress like I want and don’t use make-up just because it’s too tiring. It’s my life and I will do what I want. But this writing thing has always been my weak spot. I love it too much so any bad comment makes me panic. What if I am not good enough? What if this thing I love more than anything (even more than travel) won’t work out?

I have always been good at writing. Not so much in English but in Finnish. People have always praised my writings. During school years I always got full score from creative writing assignments. I loved writing and others loved reading my texts.

Right now I can easily say that writing is my thing and that I am good at it. One year ago the situation was totally different. If someone praised my writing, I thought they were just lying. When someone asked what I can do well, I always thought about writing but never said it out loud. I was ashamed. I still am sometimes but it is getting easier. There is so many people who are better than I at this creative writing thing so how could I ever be good enough in it.

I can now admit that writing is my thing and that I can’t do anything else with my life if I truly want to be happy. And that’s why writing is so scary. If I fail what is left of me? If writing doesn’t work out what can I do?

So, here I am stuck with these feelings. I have no idea how to get over them and maybe there is no other way than just keep writing.

With love,

Scaredy-Cat Viivi

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Photo:Nick Morrison

I don’t want to leave, but I can’t stay

Week before traveling is always the hardest but also the easiest time for me. I am never truly there. My mind is already traveling towards the soon to be adventures, new cities I will take over and those experiences only I can… well… experience. Whatever I do in the end my mind will go back to the things I have to pack, counting the minutes to my take-off and of course planning all the things I will do.

It is hard to be truly here back at home but at the same time it is a lot easier week when compared to other week of my back at home life. Why? I know that I am leaving soon. It may sound bad. I would love to be someone who loved to be back at home with her family and never leave everyone else behind. But I can’t and that’s why the days before traveling are some of the best ones I ever have back at home.

During these few days my mind is always at traveling but at the same time I am meeting so many friends, spending time with my family and trying to enjoy every second I have with them. I love being back at home because of these people so dear to me and still nothing could hold me here for too long. It makes week before traveling so important.

During this time I always remember why these people are so close to my heart and why I have to return after having my own small adventure.

Sometimes it feels like I am living between two words. I have two totally different personalities. I am Viivi who never wants to leave and I am Viivi who never wants to stay. It’s unsettling and still I wouldn’t change it to anything.

So, these next few days I will enjoy my life here back at home. I will meet friends, I will help my sister at moving to her first own home, I will eat Finnish food and live in my grandpa’s basement. But then on Sunday I will board the plane. I will go towards my new adventure, I will write all the time, I will meet new people, eat new foods and enjoy every second of this time I so badly need.

This is my life and for some odd reason I have grown to love it.

Sorry for yet another random text. I hope you are having an amazing day.
With love,

Viivi with mixed feelings 

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Photo: Nik MacMillan

I Need Insane Courage

Few days ago I published the article linked below in my travel blog. I really needed the message it was trying to tell. I have been missing from internet (meaning not much time for blogging, social media, etc.) for exactly week today. If you are now asking what happened to me, let me tell you shortly.

Week ago I got confirmation from school. I got in to study business. It was little crazy because I only had two days before my school would start far away from my home. I didn’t have apartment, nor did I know the city I would be living the next three years.

Somehow I survived to this new scary city and even successfully attended to my first four school days. Only negative sides I have to say is that I’m so tired my writing won’t probably make a lot of sense (sorry…)

Yeah, but just wanted to update you that I’m still alive and will soon write more about my embarrassing and interesting school life. (Embarrassing because I’m the world’s most awkward person and my attempts to make friends are not been pretty to watch…)

I hope you are having amazing start for your week!
With love,

Viivi Severina

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I’m addicted to getting lost. Walking unknown paths, not having map, getting scared of unfamiliar streets. Some people would say I am crazy. And maybe that is why I keep most of my los…

Source: Travel Rant: Insane Courage

Diary: My Crazy Family

Dear diary (and the internet),

sometimes my family is crazy. Crazy but I still love them. I just spend fifteen minutes hiding in toilet because I didn’twant to talk with my grandpa. Don’t get me wrong, like I said I love him. But sometimes my life goes a little crazy living with this family. 
I’m person who hates conflicts, doesn’t want to talk bad about others and just hopes everyone would get along. Ironically I was born in family full of conflicts and bizarre fights.
Something good has came out of this huge fight. Everyone has forgotten my education problems. Few months ago everything I heart was how I have chosen wrong path and how I should just do like they say and go to study where they want.
Now everything my family talks is how my mom has gone crazy. She hasn’t so no worries. She just sold part of land she owned. Everyone is having drama around us while me with my mom and siblings are in the middle.
I’m happy because after this month I will move away. I don’t know where but definitely away from here.
I love my family but living 21 years with them is more than enough…

I didn’t have much to say today but just wanted to get these feelings out of my mind. So, sorry I haven’t written a lot and I hope you are having better day than I am.

With love,

Viivi Severina

Deciding School

I love my family but sometimes I just want to get away. Today is one of those days I hope I would not feel bad about leaving everything behind. I love my family but I hate the plans they lay in front of me. Maybe I am just rebelling but I can’t live by the plans given to me.

Last spring I had university entrance exams. My motivation wasn’t present and I got really sick. I really wanted to get in to school but I didn’t find any field I would like to make my future. In the end I didn’t get in any of the schools I applied in.

End of summer and I was feeling lost but nothing new on that. The schools that have still free spots for autumn had their application processes to start. My mum sat next to me to be sure that I applied somewhere. I even got quite hyped up by one of the schools.

Tourism and hospitality that is studied with only few days in the university and most of the days in internet. It would give me time to travel. I would have time to study on my own pace. Perfect. I want to get in there.

My mum wasn’t so pleased about my choice. After a lot of threatening and shouting I also applied to agricultural field (and some business schools).  I have already studied three years animal careering. It was nice but I would die if I had to go trough three more years of that. I need challenges to my life.

So now I’m in problems and in the moment all I can think about is running away.

Today I told my mum the agricultural school send me email. In that email they clearly stated that if I get accepted in I need to send my answer before I would have the other entrance exams. So put simple way if I can’t apply there and to the other schools at the same time.

For me the decision was easy. Don’t go to that school and go to the tourism and business schools’ exams. In the first place I didn’t want to study more farm things and animals. In my mums opinion my decision is totally wrong. With that school I could good job and better salary and sure job. But I would never be happy…

Why can’t my family realize that I need to do my own decisions?
I’m scared of wasting my life.

With love,

Viivi Severina