I don’t want to leave, but I can’t stay

Week before traveling is always the hardest but also the easiest time for me. I am never truly there. My mind is already traveling towards the soon to be adventures, new cities I will take over and those experiences only I can… well… experience. Whatever I do in the end my mind will go back to the things I have to pack, counting the minutes to my take-off and of course planning all the things I will do.

It is hard to be truly here back at home but at the same time it is a lot easier week when compared to other week of my back at home life. Why? I know that I am leaving soon. It may sound bad. I would love to be someone who loved to be back at home with her family and never leave everyone else behind. But I can’t and that’s why the days before traveling are some of the best ones I ever have back at home.

During these few days my mind is always at traveling but at the same time I am meeting so many friends, spending time with my family and trying to enjoy every second I have with them. I love being back at home because of these people so dear to me and still nothing could hold me here for too long. It makes week before traveling so important.

During this time I always remember why these people are so close to my heart and why I have to return after having my own small adventure.

Sometimes it feels like I am living between two words. I have two totally different personalities. I am Viivi who never wants to leave and I am Viivi who never wants to stay. It’s unsettling and still I wouldn’t change it to anything.

So, these next few days I will enjoy my life here back at home. I will meet friends, I will help my sister at moving to her first own home, I will eat Finnish food and live in my grandpa’s basement. But then on Sunday I will board the plane. I will go towards my new adventure, I will write all the time, I will meet new people, eat new foods and enjoy every second of this time I so badly need.

This is my life and for some odd reason I have grown to love it.

Sorry for yet another random text. I hope you are having an amazing day.
With love,

Viivi with mixed feelings 

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Photo: Nik MacMillan

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I have been thinking…

I have been thinking.

Is life really worth living if you do something you don’t love from the bottom of your heart?

Is there really reason to be if you study something just because everyone expects you to do it. Or just because you don’t know what else to do so you just pick out the easiest route.

I have been thinking and it is never a good sign. I think everyone still remembers the last time because it ended up me leaving for Japan for three months. That time I returned even if I felt like it was the wrong decision. Someone asked me why I wouldn’t continue from Japan to Korea and to Taiwan, China, Philippines and to the whole world. I didn’t have answer for them. Everyone was waiting me back at home so I returned. For a few weeks it was okay. For a short moment I felt like I knew where I was going in my life.

And then I didn’t anymore.

I applied to universities but in the end I didn’t want to study any of the subjects. During the exams I was really sick and didn’t get in any of the places. Maybe I should have seen that as a sign to think again my life choices. I didn’t.

My mum found me open place from business school and against my own intuition I went there. What else would have I done? Where else would I have gone?

We are taught that life is long line of things you have to do. First school. Then you start working. The better pay you get the better life you will have. After working a while you will find love, get married, have children, buy your first own home. Then you work a little more until you retire. Perfect happy life.

Expect, I never saw myself living like that.

I never really had any dream professions. For the longest time I told for everyone that I wanted to be veterinarian. And in a way I wanted. When everyone kept asking me what I wanted to do when I grow up I had to come up with some kind of idea. Everyone else had one so of course I also had to have dream. Veterinarian was my choice because if I had to be stuck with one job for the rest of my life at least I would help some animals and humans at the same time.

It took me several years to realize that my dream job would never make me happy. I had decided it because saying veterinarian was easy. Because studying it would be easy and doing it for the rest of my life would be easy. It was job that made everyone else smile because it sounds good, the salary is good, it’s highly admired, it’s something everyone else saw me doing in the future.

I have been thinking and I have many dreams for my own future.

The problem?

I am not yet quite sure what those dreams are. Only recently I have started to think them more.  Today was probably the first day I intentionally began thinking ‘what are my dreams?’

Right now I only know a few things.

  • I love writing more than anything. If I could decide, I would write all day everyday.
  • Traveling makes me feel like I am truly living.
  • Blogging seems to be my thing and I am surprisingly good at it.
  • I have made some money writing blog posts and translating files. All the feedback has been positive until now.
  • Standing in one place for too long or doing one thing for the rest of my life seems impossible

But what do I want to do with my life?

Is there reason for me to study something I don’t want to do? How can I find the reason for my own life? Is there even way to find the meaning of life? Have some of us just made to live without purpose?

So many questions and no answers.

I have been thinking and I am lost. That’s never good combination.

With love,

Viivi Severina

My week of missing traveling

Hello once again everyone! I hope you have had another amazing week. I – like the title says – missed traveling and was busy getting ready for my summer job starting. So normal week that it is quite hard to even describe.

If we start from the Monday, my yearning for traveling started right away. I have never taken anyone else to the airport. It has always been me who has left. However this Monday I drove my little sister (okay, she is already adult but for me she is forever my little sister…) to the airport and left her there. She is going for month long interail around Europe. Yes, I am totally jealous! I want to travel even if I just returned from a few weeks long trip. But now I have work to do for June and July and only after that I have planned Rome trip with my mom.

But really taking someone else to the airport is so odd feeling. I am used to seeing airports as places for me to escape to somewhere magical. Airports mean adventure. But now I just drove in front of it. Said goodbyes for my sister and drove back home watching airplanes taking of in my rear view mirror. I wasn’t in one of those planes and it hurts. My whole week went missing traveling and feeling like I was in wrong place. I should have been in some exotic country, not in cold boring Finland. Now my work has started and fortunately those feelings aren’t as vivid anymore. I love my job and this summer is going to be amazing.

During the rest of the week I met friends, ate too much ice cream and just enjoyed the last days of my summer holiday. I may have watched almost whole season of Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries but I am not going to admit anything. In addition to just chilling and going to flea market shopping with friends, I was as dog sitter for my family’s dog and did long walks around the nearby forest.

After week of relaxing my weekend was full of activities. First I was looking after my friends dog while she was at work (that took all Saturday morning and afternoon). Right after she got her dog I left with my mother to my cousin’s graduation party. It was, well, everything I was waiting for. It was like parties with my family always goes. Fun, chaotic and a lot of arguing. Fortunately, good food makes everything better.

Usually people keep asking about my future plans but surprisingly this time there was almost no talking about my wrong university decisions. My grandpa is giving up with the hope of me going to Estonia to study veterinary. Even if I survived school talks someone almost revealed my travel blog to my grandpa. Last time he knew that I wrote blog it ended up printed to our family book. This time I rather keep it just in internet…

Then on Sunday I had to wake up too early for my own good and drive to work. And here I am now, just working working working. I will be living the whole summer on our cottage and enjoying Finnish summer life. What would be better way to spend your holiday?

Song Of The Week

Noah Curys – I’m Stuck

I hope you are having an amazing day!

Lost Viivi

Turning 22…

I have been busy for the last few weeks… (I accidentally wrote years first and now I have existential crisis because that is too true!) First I was traveling for two week and you can read more about that from my TRAVEL BLOG. Then we had my sister’s graduation party. And now yesterday I turned 22.

22 sounds too much. Where have all my years gone? I keep forgetting how old I am. Every time someone asks my age it takes forever to answer. Maybe I am just trying to forget. Years aren’t going by and I am not standing here doing nothing.

Lately I have been feeling even more lost with my life. I can’t decide what I want to study and what would be the best option for me. How could I know what I will want to do the rest of my life?

Song of the week

AUSTIN PLAINE – NEVER COME BACK AGAIN

Good friend linked this song for me and it just feels so close to my heart. All the lyrics just sound like my thoughts…

Well, I hope you are having a good week! And at least don’t have as big age crisis as I do…
With love,

Lost Viivi

So…University? Or..?

It’s again that time of the year! I have to throw dices, pick eyes shut and randomly decide universities to apply for. I know I am in one right now but this isn’t really my thing and my parents (+everyone else) thinks that I should study something different.

Problem?

I have no idea what! So this post is basically going to be me not applying anywhere, trying to find THAT right university for myself and of course random talk about nothing important. So… are you ready? Let’s get random and try to solve this impossible puzzle of my school problems.

Right now I am studying business in small city far far away from my home town. It is not ideal but I have liked some of the subject we study here. Marketing is something I would see myself studying more but I totally suck at it so probably not the best career choice. I am extremely good at money, legal, computer and documentation things but I have totally slept through all those classes because it was too easy. I would die to boredom if I had to study more of that.

One possible option: studying business remotely.

+ I LOVE remote and internet studying
+ Possible to do the work anywhere
+ More travelling? And blogging?
+ Those interesting marketing courses
– Limited possibilities / only a few different courses
– Where would I live? Going back to home is not option…
– What would be my future career?
– Two days / a month ‘real’ school days

If I choose that remote studying option, the next step is to choose do I want to continue in the school I am right now or do I was to try to get in some other school. My current university is nice but it’s expensive to come here for a few days every month. Problem is that I don’t know if I can get in to other similar universities from my university.

Old dream: Psychology

+ I studied all possible courses in high school
+ Talking with people, reading others, etc. is my strength
+ I dreamed about this for a few years
– Hard to get in
– I am not sure if this is my dream anymore

Psychology was something I really enjoyed in high school. Other courses I never really studied or tried but in my psychology classes I was always listening, writing things up and really trying. In the end I never even tried to get in. I don’t even know why. Maybe it just isn’t my thing?

New interest: Translation & English

+ Apparently I am good translator
+ I enjoy translating and could see it as my job
+ I can study English literature at the same time
– My spoken English is bad so…
– It seems quite boring thing to study
– Once again is my English good enough?

I have done quite a few translating gigs this year and it seems like I have found my hidden talent. I even enjoy doing it. However I am not sure if it is something I want to do for the rest of my life. It’s only something I would see myself doing for a while. Also there (and in entrance exams) I have to speak English and I just can’t pronounce any words…

What even is this? Cultural Producer

+ Sounds interesting and combines all things I love
+ Partly remote program
+ Culture is always good thing
– I am not leader
– I have no idea what this career would be
– My parents would never agree

I just found this field of study but I have no idea what it really is. Well, I have a few days to find more information. Maybe it’s my thing?

For my writer side: Journalism

+ I love writing
– I don’t see myself as journalist
– I could never write “official” texts

Why can’t there just be job that would allow me to travel the world, write for hours everyday, meet new people, volunteer and keep learning different kind of subjects forever? I am lost case. Nothing interests me. How can I even choose one thing to do for the rest of my life??!?

There is so many more universities and fields I could talk about but I am now feeling so helpless that let’s not talk more about that. I didn’t really find any interesting subjects! So many options and still nothing that fits me.

 

Any tips how to find that right future career for me? (Don’t suggest career tests because those always tell that I would be good priest, relationship counselor, entrepreneur or librarian… No thanks!) 

Do you have any problems with deciding your future career? Or did you have these problems before? And like always all comments are welcome (even if you wanted to tell me about your day!)

With love,

Viivi Severina

Not so anonymous blog anymore

So like you may know I have been writing my blogs secretly from my family and friends. Writing blog is quite embarrassing. My English isn’t that good and my posts plainly boring for the most of the time. I meant to tell them when I got thousand readers but internet beat me on that.

My blog isn’t secret anymore. My family and friends know about it.

How did that happen?

Well, let me tell you a story…

Week ago on Friday right after I had published my Photo Diary I opened my Instagram. (Once again shamelessly self promoting: Check out my Instagram for boring photos and me trying to be artistic! Spoiler: I’m only TRYING to be artistic…) But back to the story, it was quite a shock when first thing I saw was my cousins face and name pop up as person who had just followed me.

Apparently Instagram had suggested my account as person she maybe knows. It’s still mystery how that is possible. I have been over protective of my accounts and haven’t used them with my Facebook or other personal social medias. I mean I have used them only in my iPad and haven’t never used that iPad to log in my Facebook, etc. Internet knows too much…

But after my cousins knew I had to tell for my family  and best friends. Now I have too much stress about this writing thing! I never guessed it would be this had when you know someone important may read what you say. (I don’t mean you aren’t important but someone who knows who really knows my identity.) 

So hello family and friends if you are reading this! Welcome to my blog and please don’t dig too deeply what I have been writing because I really have no idea what you may find.

 

With love,

Viivi Severina

Diary: My Crazy Family

Dear diary (and the internet),

sometimes my family is crazy. Crazy but I still love them. I just spend fifteen minutes hiding in toilet because I didn’twant to talk with my grandpa. Don’t get me wrong, like I said I love him. But sometimes my life goes a little crazy living with this family. 
I’m person who hates conflicts, doesn’t want to talk bad about others and just hopes everyone would get along. Ironically I was born in family full of conflicts and bizarre fights.
Something good has came out of this huge fight. Everyone has forgotten my education problems. Few months ago everything I heart was how I have chosen wrong path and how I should just do like they say and go to study where they want.
Now everything my family talks is how my mom has gone crazy. She hasn’t so no worries. She just sold part of land she owned. Everyone is having drama around us while me with my mom and siblings are in the middle.
I’m happy because after this month I will move away. I don’t know where but definitely away from here.
I love my family but living 21 years with them is more than enough…

I didn’t have much to say today but just wanted to get these feelings out of my mind. So, sorry I haven’t written a lot and I hope you are having better day than I am.

With love,

Viivi Severina