True raw emotions.

Today I want to speak about suicide. Yesterday someone who I have never met and someone who I don’t even know killed himself. I have never even talked to this person and he had no idea that I even existed but still, this death has impacted me. What else would you except when he impacted my life while still living?

Today I want to speak about suicide but I won’t. I don’t think I can. And that’s why I will tell you a small story.

This is a story of young Viivi who was always lost in her life and who didn’t feel like she belonged. This is a story of someone who found peace and way to continue from listening to music. And then when time went by this changes to a story of her finding a best friend through this strange world of listening to music from bands that you can’t even understand.

It starts at primary school. I can’t remember how. I see a video of band singing language I can’t understand and they are dancing almost too perfectly. It’s odd and new but still enchanting. Weeks, months and years go by me listening to music by myself. At some point, it’s not just the music and amazing videos. I start to watch reality shows, dramas and I remember all members of these bands by name.

I still have no idea what they are saying but I don’t care. I don’t need to understand to enjoy the music.

Then I go to high school and I meet someone who shares my interest. We become friends, travel to concerts, laugh for the silly reality shows and before anything else enjoy the music. It’s a magical time of my life. It’s so easy to be happy. When your own life doesn’t feel right, you can just make yourself to forget everything. Music takes all your worries away and these silly but talented people performing it can always bring a smile to your face.

Years start running faster and my life is changing. I find something else. Traveling, writing blogs and living my life. There is no time for everything but I never forget. When I open Spotify I still listen to kpop more often than not. Even one photo or one memory from the time of my life can make me delighted. It was my youth and it’s still my future. You never truly get over the things you have once loved and today I can see it so clearly.

Yesterday I was messaging with my friend totally normally and then out of nowhere, she asked me did I know why the internet was full of sad Jonghyun. I didn’t. It took a while and then she told me that Jjong had committed suicide. It didn’t sink in first. I haven’t been actively following what happens with Shinee for a long time but they are still one of the bands closest to my heart. I have cried, I have laughed, I have lived listening to their songs.

Shinee was one of the first bands I fell in love with. And no I don’t speak about kpop. I speak about bands generally in all music categories. There are about million memories I could share now because my mind is right now full of them.

Being fifteen and laughing at Amigo because in Finnish the song sounds like they are singing over and over again that they want to fuck. Dancing and singing RingDingDong alone in my room. Being addicted to so many of their songs that it is not even funny. Crying while to The Reason even if I only could understand the words from translations. Still remembering the words of Sherlock even if it has been years.

And lastly listening to Tell Me What To Do over and over again just last week in New York when I was feeling a little bit homesick. Even now it’s kpop and music that makes me survive the hardest parts of my life. Even now after years, it’s Shinee. It will always be Shinee.

Kuva:  BRUNO CERVERA

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The first not a date

Fifth of December
I remember the first time someone asked me out. I was eighteen, socially awkward and had never dated anyone. Nothing has changed except my age. At that time I was attending this high school psychology summer course while he was from the Swedish course class next to ours. First time we spoke he asked if he could sit next to me and I had nothing against it.

The next two weeks went by us sitting side by side during the short breaks. I was always listening to music with one headphone on and he kept reading quickly changing books. It was nice I have to admit. I didn’t have to sit alone while everyone else had a friend with them. Then one time he asked me what music I was listening to and after that, we had small conversations every now and then.

He was odd but so was I. One of the last breaks we spent together he started reading love poems in Germany for me. It was probably a sign of interest towards me that anyone else could have seen. I didn’t.

During the last day and last break of my course, I told him that we wouldn’t see anymore. He asked me out. I had no idea that he would do it. And even now I am not sure if he truly wanted to go on date or just see me again as a friend. He asked if I would like to come to the library someday with him. Then I promised to ask him as a friend on Facebook but I never did because I forgot his name before I had time.

I still think of him sometimes even if I never felt anything special towards him. He was the first boy who asked me out –probably- and also the only boy who had asked me out for a few years. Never before had I known that anyone would truly be interested in me.

Next time or better said the next few times happened during my Japan trip. I was never sure if they were interested in me or if it was just a friendly gesture. It was never “Would you like to go out with me?” But isn’t asking someone for coffee kind of the same thing? I have no idea so I have never been sure.

After my Japan trip, it started to happen more occasionally. Not often but every now and then. I realized that when I was traveling other people would get interested in me. Maybe I looked more beautiful or free than back at home? I have no idea why but I gained more attention as a traveler and amongst foreigners than back at home in Finland.

At some point, I came to the closure that it must be that “inner beauty” people so often talk about. I look better when I am happy and free of all worries. Or maybe all those people have just been some creeps that prey on silly traveler girls?

With love,

Undateable Viivi