And she was lost…

I don’t know who I’m. I don’t know where I’m going. Lost. So lost in my own body, between being happy and not having the right road to walk.

People keep giving me advice but never anything concrete.
Find your passion.
Do what you love.
Get a proper job.
Remember to study.
Don’t give up.
Just keep going.
Find yourself.

How can one find herself? How can you keep going when you know what you want and still you feel stuck? The things I want and need keep changing every second of the day. Right now, writing is my passion. Tomorrow I would love to play games all day long just to want to study psychology the day after that. How can you decide? There’s no way one thing can satisfy me.

I’m writing hundred and one blogs even if it’s too much for me. My drawer is full of half-finished stories waiting for the writer. In my mind everything is good but small things like brushing my teeth can turn my way in the opposite direction. Standing 2 minutes in my dark bathroom only my thoughts keeping me company feels like a death sentence.

What if I’m going towards a wrong lifestyle for me?
What if I end up hating writing after doing it as my job?
Wouldn’t it just be easier to give up?
Why? Why I have to be like this? Why can’t I shut down my brain?

And then everything changes. I never get anywhere because I never give my all to one thing. It’s not because I don’t want, it’s because I don’t know how.

With love,
Lost Viivi

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5 Memories From 2016

I was going through the drafts I have never published on this blog and I found this one. 5 memories from the year 2016. I know, I know. It is almost the summer of 2018 so this is super late. Better to get used to this because I have never been someone good with deadlines I give for myself… But hey I have already written this so here are some exceptional memories from my year 2016. I hope you enjoy!

1. First night alone in my first own home. I didn’t have any furniture so I had to sleep on the floor. I only had two blankets and a pillow. It was freezing and too quiet. All I was able to see was the streetlight outside of my window and the beautiful sky. Still, this is not a bad memory but rather a happy one. All I can remember is the amazing feeling of living on my own… New city, new school and me totally alone. It started as an adventure.

2. Completing my first Fiverr gig. And especially getting paid for the first travel article I wrote. Even now after doing this as my full-time job and writing hundreds of paid travel articles for different websites I can’t describe the feeling of earning money with my own writings. This is definitely the thing I want to do with my life. And I will never forget this memory, the unbelievable feeling that someone found my writing good enough to pay for it.

3. Road trip around France’s coastline. Me and two older ladies drove around France’s sunny seaside cities. We left in the early morning and returned after dark. Once again life showed me that traveling and adventuring to new places is my passion.

4. My first school day. I was scared to death because being social has never been my strength. Starting school after a long gap year seemed like the worst decision on that morning. I was staying at a cute hostel and decided to escape there on every break because I didn’t know what to do. It felt like starting the first grade all over again. Later on, I found a lot of friends but also dropped out because school is just not for me.

5. Realizing that my travel blog may be kind of “big deal”. It wasn’t just one moment and I haven’t yet fully understood it. But there have been many moments when someone says something or everytime someone comments on my blog that I realize how my blog has grown out of my hands. I mean I would have never guessed at the start of the year when I wrote my first post that at the end of the year I would have over thousand readers. Isn’t that crazy? (Yes, even now in 2018 with several blogs and thousands of readers this is still crazy…)

Do you have any crazy memories from 2016 (or later years) that you can remember? Or are you like me who forgets posts like this and the publishes them years later? Like always all comments are more than welcome!

With love,

Viivi Who Remembers

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Daily blogging schedule:
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Poem Rant

Third of December
Last weekend was my second time on the creative writing university course I am currently attending to. The theme of this second weekend was poems. My relationship with poems could be described as awkward and almost hostile:

I hate poems. I always end up writing poems. For some odd reason, other people love the poems I write. They love the poems I don’t want to write.

Reading poems isn’t for me. I know there is a lot of people in this world who share my opinion. They think that poetry is boring, too hard to understand and not for them. Only the last claim describes me.

Poems aren’t boring. You just have to find the right ones. Even music and especially rap songs would be poems if we wrote them down and forgot the sound. And who doesn’t listen to music?

Anyone can understand poems. If you say that I am wrong, then you have never even tried. Find a poem and read it ten times. That’s it. Now you understand it. There is no one way to read poems. Everyone understand them differently depending on their own mind and life experiences. Sometimes the poets can’t even understand their own poems so you shouldn’t stress too much. Just read a poem and let your own thoughts fly.

Even if you think that the poem is deathly boring. Last weekend taught me that it is okay to hate poems. As long as you are feeling something the poems are doing their job right.

tomatoes, you know, are real
that is, if they remain tomatoes
if they try to be melons, however,
they then become fakes
though everything and everyone is real
in their own way,
it seems we always try so hard to become fakes
-Mitsuo Aida

I know I started this text by saying that I hate poems. Maybe it is a lie? My lacking English is on the way. The better way to say this may be “I hate poetry”. I am not sure. I hate poems but then again there are poems I love more than anything else. Like that Mitsuo Aida’s tomato poem above.

I first saw this poem at Mitsuo Aida museum in Tokyo, Japan. It was written in Japanese and this is just the translation. I have no idea if it is as good in Japanese but like this, it described my feeling at that time. Before going to Japan I had tried to be a melon. I applied to university, tried my best to create a normal life and just played this role of someone I was expected to be.

Then I went to Japan. For the first time in a long while, I felt like I was a tomato again. I had to buy a postcard with this text in it. I think I lost it during the three months I spent in Japan but I still can’t forget this poem.

So, I don’t hate poems. Some poems touch my heart, make me smile or occasionally even laugh out loud. It’s awkward and maybe a little hostile but I love poems and writing them.

With love,

Hard To Understand Viivi

10 Reasons I Hate Living Alone

Few weeks ago on 10 Things Sunday I shared with you the 10 Reasons I Love Living Alone so I though it would be good to also talk about the bad sides of living alone. So here is my list of the negatives of living on your own.

1.Feeling lonely and being alone too much. When you come from lively household being suddenly alone in your own home feels strange. First it’s all fun and games but after a while it gets a little lonely.

2.No one takes care of you. You can mix up your sleeping schedule and eat unhealthy without anyone intervening. Also if you get sick you have to deal with it by yourself.

3.Doing all the adult stuff. Paying bills, repairing things and taking care of your home. It is surprisingly hard.

4.Having to do all the household chores by yourself. Cleaning, washing dishes, doing laundry, etc.

5.Being scared. If you are like me there is a lot of things to get scared when living alone. Murderers, clowns, thieves, anything abnormal like ghosts.

6.No one is waiting for you. When you return home, no one is welcoming you. No one knows if you get safely back to home because no one is there waiting for you.

7.Remembering the keys. This is really hard one for me. Only way for me to get in if I forget my keys is to call the janitor and it costs a lot of money.

8.Cooking. You have to come up with healthy varied diet by yourself. If you are as bad at kitchen as I am you know this one is nightmare… I haven’t yet burned down the whole building, so props to me!

9.Being paranoid what your neighbors are thinking about you and if you are being too loud. What if they hear me singing alone and think I’m crazy?

10. Always accidentally running out of the important household stuff like toilet paper, batteries and shampoo. Just yesterday I unintentionally destroyed my last toilet paper roll (don’t ask how that happened! I was cleaning, okay?) and had to run to the shop just before it’s closing time to buy more.

 

So these are my 10 bad things of living alone. What things do you dislike or like living alone? And is it just me or do you struggle with “normal” things like cleaning, cooking and shopping?

I hope you are having an amazing day!
With love,

Viivi Severina

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