The first not a date

Fifth of December
I remember the first time someone asked me out. I was eighteen, socially awkward and had never dated anyone. Nothing has changed except my age. At that time I was attending this high school psychology summer course while he was from the Swedish course class next to ours. First time we spoke he asked if he could sit next to me and I had nothing against it.

The next two weeks went by us sitting side by side during the short breaks. I was always listening to music with one headphone on and he kept reading quickly changing books. It was nice I have to admit. I didn’t have to sit alone while everyone else had a friend with them. Then one time he asked me what music I was listening to and after that, we had small conversations every now and then.

He was odd but so was I. One of the last breaks we spent together he started reading love poems in Germany for me. It was probably a sign of interest towards me that anyone else could have seen. I didn’t.

During the last day and last break of my course, I told him that we wouldn’t see anymore. He asked me out. I had no idea that he would do it. And even now I am not sure if he truly wanted to go on date or just see me again as a friend. He asked if I would like to come to the library someday with him. Then I promised to ask him as a friend on Facebook but I never did because I forgot his name before I had time.

I still think of him sometimes even if I never felt anything special towards him. He was the first boy who asked me out –probably- and also the only boy who had asked me out for a few years. Never before had I known that anyone would truly be interested in me.

Next time or better said the next few times happened during my Japan trip. I was never sure if they were interested in me or if it was just a friendly gesture. It was never “Would you like to go out with me?” But isn’t asking someone for coffee kind of the same thing? I have no idea so I have never been sure.

After my Japan trip, it started to happen more occasionally. Not often but every now and then. I realized that when I was traveling other people would get interested in me. Maybe I looked more beautiful or free than back at home? I have no idea why but I gained more attention as a traveler and amongst foreigners than back at home in Finland.

At some point, I came to the closure that it must be that “inner beauty” people so often talk about. I look better when I am happy and free of all worries. Or maybe all those people have just been some creeps that prey on silly traveler girls?

With love,

Undateable Viivi

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I have been thinking…

I have been thinking.

Is life really worth living if you do something you don’t love from the bottom of your heart?

Is there really reason to be if you study something just because everyone expects you to do it. Or just because you don’t know what else to do so you just pick out the easiest route.

I have been thinking and it is never a good sign. I think everyone still remembers the last time because it ended up me leaving for Japan for three months. That time I returned even if I felt like it was the wrong decision. Someone asked me why I wouldn’t continue from Japan to Korea and to Taiwan, China, Philippines and to the whole world. I didn’t have answer for them. Everyone was waiting me back at home so I returned. For a few weeks it was okay. For a short moment I felt like I knew where I was going in my life.

And then I didn’t anymore.

I applied to universities but in the end I didn’t want to study any of the subjects. During the exams I was really sick and didn’t get in any of the places. Maybe I should have seen that as a sign to think again my life choices. I didn’t.

My mum found me open place from business school and against my own intuition I went there. What else would have I done? Where else would I have gone?

We are taught that life is long line of things you have to do. First school. Then you start working. The better pay you get the better life you will have. After working a while you will find love, get married, have children, buy your first own home. Then you work a little more until you retire. Perfect happy life.

Expect, I never saw myself living like that.

I never really had any dream professions. For the longest time I told for everyone that I wanted to be veterinarian. And in a way I wanted. When everyone kept asking me what I wanted to do when I grow up I had to come up with some kind of idea. Everyone else had one so of course I also had to have dream. Veterinarian was my choice because if I had to be stuck with one job for the rest of my life at least I would help some animals and humans at the same time.

It took me several years to realize that my dream job would never make me happy. I had decided it because saying veterinarian was easy. Because studying it would be easy and doing it for the rest of my life would be easy. It was job that made everyone else smile because it sounds good, the salary is good, it’s highly admired, it’s something everyone else saw me doing in the future.

I have been thinking and I have many dreams for my own future.

The problem?

I am not yet quite sure what those dreams are. Only recently I have started to think them more.  Today was probably the first day I intentionally began thinking ‘what are my dreams?’

Right now I only know a few things.

  • I love writing more than anything. If I could decide, I would write all day everyday.
  • Traveling makes me feel like I am truly living.
  • Blogging seems to be my thing and I am surprisingly good at it.
  • I have made some money writing blog posts and translating files. All the feedback has been positive until now.
  • Standing in one place for too long or doing one thing for the rest of my life seems impossible

But what do I want to do with my life?

Is there reason for me to study something I don’t want to do? How can I find the reason for my own life? Is there even way to find the meaning of life? Have some of us just made to live without purpose?

So many questions and no answers.

I have been thinking and I am lost. That’s never good combination.

With love,

Viivi Severina

I’m not a boy, I like pink!

I really want to write something more than just answers to blogger awards in this blog… I have always been good at writing random things (and also boring text without any proper meaning…) So, I was thinking about trying to write something every week. Trying to write. If you read my travel blog you may already know that I am the worst at keeping these kind of promises.

BUT my school is ending in a week and I have whole summer to write more. Maybe I will make this to work? So, wait for weekly wrap ups or whatever you want to call these on Monday or Sundays (or never). I will just talk about my week and maybe you can tell me about your week in the comments.

 

So, what happened to me on week 17?

To tell the truth, nothing much. I was sick the whole week and I had to move all furniture out of my apartment. I have to move out this Friday so last week I had meant to start cleaning and stuff. In the end I did almost nothing.

The start of last week was nice because I was still hyped up from my Easter family trip to Stockholm. We saw a lot of beautiful cherry blossoms there and now all I can think about is how could I save money to travel to Japan next spring. I just have to see more of that beauty!

(I may be quite boyish but I love everything pink…)

In addition to moving, being sick and recovering from travel, I sat in car for too long. First when my dad was helping me to move my stuff back to my hometown. Then another five hours trip back to my current university town. I love driving alone for long periods of time so I had no complaining. It calms my mind and right now I have too many things in my head.

I stopped for tea three times just to relax, walk around gas stations and enjoy the weather. (That last part is totally ironical…) About half of my drive back to my student city it was snowing. Snow in April… Welcome to Finland! Funny thing is that even if it was snowing I also saw the first ice cream kiosks of this summer.

I’m not kidding! It’s so comical to see open kiosk and signs for ice cream while you are driving in snowfall. And because Finns are desperate for summer to start I even saw customers in four of the five kiosks I saw during that five hours. Who wouldn’t love ice cream even if it is cold and wintery?

 

Funny Story Of The Week

I am someone who is always in some kind of problems or in awkward situations. Last week maybe the funniest moment I had with another human being was in gas station’s toilet. I had stopped for tea break during my long drive back home and of course first things first I decided to find the toilets. I went in, did my business and all good. I was washing my hands when a little girl (maybe about 5 years old but I am bad at guessing ages…) and her mother walked to the sink next to mine.

Totally normal and all good I dried my hands until I heard whisper behind me:

“Mom… What is that boy doing in girls’ toilet?”

At this point I was trying to not laugh and the mom looked super embarrassed while explaining to her child that I was in fact girl. I mean I have short hair, boyish face and my huge hoodie hided my boobs so I can understand why the little girl was mistaken. This is not even the first time something like this has happened so I am kind of used to it. But every time this happens it is still the funniest thing if you ask from me.

I am forever confusing children (and sometimes even adults)! 😀

 

Song Of The Week

SVGV – Who Am I

THIS SONG! It is just too real… The lyrics are like straight from my mind. Somehow it has always been hard for me to know who I am. I feel like everyone around me know what they want to do and where to go with their lives. Me in the other hand… Well, I have no idea. I have always wanted to do everything but I don’t see myself doing any of those things for the rest of my life.

In the morning, in the street
In the music, in the beat
In the people I see
I’ve been looking for myself

In the train, In the rain
In the pain, In the gain
In the city I came
I’ve been looking for myself

Whatever I do and where ever I go I just feel like I am looking for myself. Maybe this thing would be my thing? Maybe this way of living the right one for me? I don’t really know. And I have never understood. How can some people just decide so easily what they want to do? I mean this world is full of different choices. So many ways one can live. I just don’t know how could I choose only one life path for myself…

 

I didn’t mean to end this so dramatically and depressingly. Sorry. So, how have you been? Any good or bad moments you want to share? Let’s hope I will write again next Monday (or at least some time in the future…)

With love,

Viivi Severina

Not so anonymous blog anymore

So like you may know I have been writing my blogs secretly from my family and friends. Writing blog is quite embarrassing. My English isn’t that good and my posts plainly boring for the most of the time. I meant to tell them when I got thousand readers but internet beat me on that.

My blog isn’t secret anymore. My family and friends know about it.

How did that happen?

Well, let me tell you a story…

Week ago on Friday right after I had published my Photo Diary I opened my Instagram. (Once again shamelessly self promoting: Check out my Instagram for boring photos and me trying to be artistic! Spoiler: I’m only TRYING to be artistic…) But back to the story, it was quite a shock when first thing I saw was my cousins face and name pop up as person who had just followed me.

Apparently Instagram had suggested my account as person she maybe knows. It’s still mystery how that is possible. I have been over protective of my accounts and haven’t used them with my Facebook or other personal social medias. I mean I have used them only in my iPad and haven’t never used that iPad to log in my Facebook, etc. Internet knows too much…

But after my cousins knew I had to tell for my family  and best friends. Now I have too much stress about this writing thing! I never guessed it would be this had when you know someone important may read what you say. (I don’t mean you aren’t important but someone who knows who really knows my identity.) 

So hello family and friends if you are reading this! Welcome to my blog and please don’t dig too deeply what I have been writing because I really have no idea what you may find.

 

With love,

Viivi Severina