True raw emotions.

Today I want to speak about suicide. Yesterday someone who I have never met and someone who I don’t even know killed himself. I have never even talked to this person and he had no idea that I even existed but still, this death has impacted me. What else would you except when he impacted my life while still living?

Today I want to speak about suicide but I won’t. I don’t think I can. And that’s why I will tell you a small story.

This is a story of young Viivi who was always lost in her life and who didn’t feel like she belonged. This is a story of someone who found peace and way to continue from listening to music. And then when time went by this changes to a story of her finding a best friend through this strange world of listening to music from bands that you can’t even understand.

It starts at primary school. I can’t remember how. I see a video of band singing language I can’t understand and they are dancing almost too perfectly. It’s odd and new but still enchanting. Weeks, months and years go by me listening to music by myself. At some point, it’s not just the music and amazing videos. I start to watch reality shows, dramas and I remember all members of these bands by name.

I still have no idea what they are saying but I don’t care. I don’t need to understand to enjoy the music.

Then I go to high school and I meet someone who shares my interest. We become friends, travel to concerts, laugh for the silly reality shows and before anything else enjoy the music. It’s a magical time of my life. It’s so easy to be happy. When your own life doesn’t feel right, you can just make yourself to forget everything. Music takes all your worries away and these silly but talented people performing it can always bring a smile to your face.

Years start running faster and my life is changing. I find something else. Traveling, writing blogs and living my life. There is no time for everything but I never forget. When I open Spotify I still listen to kpop more often than not. Even one photo or one memory from the time of my life can make me delighted. It was my youth and it’s still my future. You never truly get over the things you have once loved and today I can see it so clearly.

Yesterday I was messaging with my friend totally normally and then out of nowhere, she asked me did I know why the internet was full of sad Jonghyun. I didn’t. It took a while and then she told me that Jjong had committed suicide. It didn’t sink in first. I haven’t been actively following what happens with Shinee for a long time but they are still one of the bands closest to my heart. I have cried, I have laughed, I have lived listening to their songs.

Shinee was one of the first bands I fell in love with. And no I don’t speak about kpop. I speak about bands generally in all music categories. There are about million memories I could share now because my mind is right now full of them.

Being fifteen and laughing at Amigo because in Finnish the song sounds like they are singing over and over again that they want to fuck. Dancing and singing RingDingDong alone in my room. Being addicted to so many of their songs that it is not even funny. Crying while to The Reason even if I only could understand the words from translations. Still remembering the words of Sherlock even if it has been years.

And lastly listening to Tell Me What To Do over and over again just last week in New York when I was feeling a little bit homesick. Even now it’s kpop and music that makes me survive the hardest parts of my life. Even now after years, it’s Shinee. It will always be Shinee.

Kuva:  BRUNO CERVERA

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A little silly French man

Yesterday at work I met silly man. He came in the small shop I am working in greeting me too happily. He kept saying hello, hi and terve (Finnish greeting). I kept answering to his greetings because as awkward Finn I can’t be the last one to stop. Then he explained that he is from France. Parisian to be exact. He also said it in Finnish and told me that he can’t say anything else in my language.

“Anteeksi, anteeksi, anteeksi, olen ranskalainen…” (Sorry, sorry, sorry, I am French.)

We talked a little even if there was this huge language barrier between the two of us. Quiet Finn and too talkative French. What would we have in common?

A lot more than you think I realized after this silly little French man left. He bought Finland magnet and left my shop smiling widely. I continued working in now quiet shop but for some reason couldn’t stop smiling. Meeting with this man who was the total opposite of me made me realize something important. Something I have realized before during my travels but I tend to forget…

I’m not the only one scared to death of speaking English. I am not the only one who feels like they have to constantly apologize for not speaking it fluently. There is a lot of us and we come from all around the world. English is maybe even more hard from people coming from countries like French and Finland. We just don’t pronounce the words like people speaking English. Our language just doesn’t in the same category with English.

We may be insecure. Saying sorry comes automatically when we meet new person. But we can’t give up. This small French came to my work place and kept talking non-stop. There was words he didn’t pronounce like fluent English speakers. There was some things I didn’t understand and some words he corrected for himself even before I realized that there was something wrong. If it had been me, this story would be different.

I would leave the shop with panicky feelings and tears in my eyes. I would keep thinking it for days because “why can’t I just pronounce the stupid words like everyone else?”. I wouldn’t say sorry smiling like him. I would look the floor and mumble something no one can understand. It’s the difference between me and this bright man from France.

So what do the two of us have in common? In addition to not talking English fluently. We don’t give up. He had came to Finland where talkative people are feared like a death. I keep traveling even if every conversation I have to have in English will make me panic. He kept talking even if his language skills weren’t perfect. I keep trying even if my language skills are far from perfect.

I am not sure where I was going with this post bu I just wanted to share this small meeting I had with silly French man with someone. And I guess at the same time I just wanted to tell everyone that it’s okay to not speak perfect English. There is more of us who don’t speak it fluently than those who do. So, keep trying and failing as much as you want!

With love,

Awkward Viivi

 

One Year Blogging (Award)

Somehow I only write this blog when my travel blog gets nominated for blogger awards… (Sorry, I have meant to write more and I will try to write more in the future!) So, you may not be surprised that I am back here writing because lovely blogger behind Teacakesand nominated me for Blogger Recognition Award! Remember to check out her blog because even if she is just starting she is amazing writer. (And who wouldn’t love blog talking about travelling and tea?)

How my blog started?

I think the timing for this is too good to be true. I started my blog GoTravelGlobal  one year ago. (4.2.2016) How did that happen? I have no idea… I had returned from Japan a few months back and had still my ‘after long time travel depression’. I have always been person who writes when they are stressed, sad, happy or literally just feeling anything. So I started my blog to collect some memories I had in Japan, share new memories because I was already planning my new trip to France and of course to learn English.

At first my blog was meant for just myself. You know a little bit like diary so I could return to my memories later on when I am too old to remember anything. (I can’t usually even remember what I did last weekend so this is probably a good plan…) I was even embarrassed and I still am because my English has too many mistakes and the things I write are sometimes just plainly boring.

So my blog which currently has over 1 500 readers (how the heck did that happen??) and that I write two times every week was once just something small I decided to do for myself. If I can do this and meet some amazing people because I keep writing, anyone can do it!

Advice For New Bloggers:

I don’t know if I am the right person to give advice. I just go with the flow. Keep writing and don’t care what others say but always remember to be nice for everyone. This may sound corny but it is the simple truth.

I have seen some bloggers who either change their style depending what the readers like OR start ignoring all people reading their blog. Find the right balance between is my advice. Keep being you and writing things you love while using your own voice. And at the same time listen your readers even the ones who have different point of view from yours. Always answer to everyone who takes their time to comment your writings and maybe even check out their blog. Be kind to everyone but don’t try too hard to make everyone like you.

Sorry… This didn’t probably make any sense!

And now to the part I always find hard to do… Nominating blogs! I may be a little bit socially awkward so usually I just don’t do this part. However there is so many amazing blogs I have just found or that I have been reading for a while that I wanted to tell them how much I appreciate their writings. So remember to check out these amazing seven blogs I collected to nominate!

Kasiawrites

The Bubbly Traveler

Zo Around The World

Traveling Matters to us

Sweater Giraffe Travels

Shy Backpack

DreamsVoyager

.        .        .

If you want to be involved in the Blogger Recognition Award these are some simple rules:

Thank the blogger who nominated you and provide a link to their blog.

Write a post to show your award.

Give a brief story of how your blog started.

Give two pieces of advice to new bloggers.

Select 10 other bloggers you want to give this award to.

Comment on each blog and let them know you have nominated them and provide the link to the post you created.

 

So thank you for everyone reading this blog or my GOTRAVELGLOBAL blog. I hope you are having an amazing day! (And btw I would love you forever if you followed my blog’s Facebook! No worries I am not going to spam your page but you will get my newest travel post two times every week.)
With love,

Viivi Severina

Not so anonymous blog anymore

So like you may know I have been writing my blogs secretly from my family and friends. Writing blog is quite embarrassing. My English isn’t that good and my posts plainly boring for the most of the time. I meant to tell them when I got thousand readers but internet beat me on that.

My blog isn’t secret anymore. My family and friends know about it.

How did that happen?

Well, let me tell you a story…

Week ago on Friday right after I had published my Photo Diary I opened my Instagram. (Once again shamelessly self promoting: Check out my Instagram for boring photos and me trying to be artistic! Spoiler: I’m only TRYING to be artistic…) But back to the story, it was quite a shock when first thing I saw was my cousins face and name pop up as person who had just followed me.

Apparently Instagram had suggested my account as person she maybe knows. It’s still mystery how that is possible. I have been over protective of my accounts and haven’t used them with my Facebook or other personal social medias. I mean I have used them only in my iPad and haven’t never used that iPad to log in my Facebook, etc. Internet knows too much…

But after my cousins knew I had to tell for my family  and best friends. Now I have too much stress about this writing thing! I never guessed it would be this had when you know someone important may read what you say. (I don’t mean you aren’t important but someone who knows who really knows my identity.) 

So hello family and friends if you are reading this! Welcome to my blog and please don’t dig too deeply what I have been writing because I really have no idea what you may find.

 

With love,

Viivi Severina

Not Enough

Yesterday I sat twenty minutes in car with my mum. The whole time she told me reasons why I should apply to the agricultural school. I have kept saying that I don’t want to go there. I will be miserable if I have to study that subject for another three years. She doesn’t listen.

She says it’s the only place I can get in. That I can’t do other jobs. It’s like meant to be. I already have studied animals, it’s close to home and I would easily get internship from my dad’s big company. Everything seems perfectly fit in. Expect me.

Even if that job and school was meant to be does it matte if I’m going to go insane doing it? I already know it would destroy me. This may sound dramatic but it is the truth. There is no way I will be drown back to the gray normal. I will not anymore do something others want and cause losing my own meaning.

I need challenges. I’m scared of average, not being enough, living my life just doing fine but never great. I’m scared to death that I will never find my meaning in this life. And that drives me to fight.

What my mum doesn’t get is that trying to make me do something will just backfire. The more people doubt me the more determined I am to walk my own road. My life is constant fight against the expectations. Going through my own dreams but never revealing them for anyone in the fear of getting laughed at.

So I’m going to fight once again. This is my life and my decisions. No one (even the people close to me) can’t tell me what to do. I may be stupid walking my own road but at least I don’t need to think “what if” in the future.

Keep fighting!

Viivi Severina

Deciding School

I love my family but sometimes I just want to get away. Today is one of those days I hope I would not feel bad about leaving everything behind. I love my family but I hate the plans they lay in front of me. Maybe I am just rebelling but I can’t live by the plans given to me.

Last spring I had university entrance exams. My motivation wasn’t present and I got really sick. I really wanted to get in to school but I didn’t find any field I would like to make my future. In the end I didn’t get in any of the schools I applied in.

End of summer and I was feeling lost but nothing new on that. The schools that have still free spots for autumn had their application processes to start. My mum sat next to me to be sure that I applied somewhere. I even got quite hyped up by one of the schools.

Tourism and hospitality that is studied with only few days in the university and most of the days in internet. It would give me time to travel. I would have time to study on my own pace. Perfect. I want to get in there.

My mum wasn’t so pleased about my choice. After a lot of threatening and shouting I also applied to agricultural field (and some business schools).  I have already studied three years animal careering. It was nice but I would die if I had to go trough three more years of that. I need challenges to my life.

So now I’m in problems and in the moment all I can think about is running away.

Today I told my mum the agricultural school send me email. In that email they clearly stated that if I get accepted in I need to send my answer before I would have the other entrance exams. So put simple way if I can’t apply there and to the other schools at the same time.

For me the decision was easy. Don’t go to that school and go to the tourism and business schools’ exams. In the first place I didn’t want to study more farm things and animals. In my mums opinion my decision is totally wrong. With that school I could good job and better salary and sure job. But I would never be happy…

Why can’t my family realize that I need to do my own decisions?
I’m scared of wasting my life.

With love,

Viivi Severina

Diary: Being sick and alienated

Dear diary (and the people on internet),

have you ever felt like you don’t belong in this place? You have liven the whole life in this same place but still never truly called it home. This is me. I’m the person who fits in perfectly but never feels like truly belonging.

I’m sick. And when I’m sick my thoughts run their own ways and that’s why I want to talk for you about not belonging. Right now my sister is laughing with her friends upstairs and my brother is somewhere catching Pokemons with his friends. They are having fun, they know how to live. It’s good that they don’t seem like me.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my friends, have fun with them and would do anything for them. BUT… Making friends and spending time together has never been natural for me. It feels awkward and I don’t know how to act. Should I send text or wait on from them? Should I invite them to my house? What should we do together? I have never truly got the etiquette of being friends.

When I was younger I used to think that I must be alien from another planet. I never felt like this place was my home. The people around me were mystery for me and still I seemed to see right trough of them. I admit being scared often and thinking that something must be wrong with me.

Now when I am older the feeling of not belonging is still present in everything I do. Something has changed from my earlier days. I know I am not alien but just a individual with strong sense of not wanting to be part of the mass. I have learned to live with myself. I know I’m not the only one feeling like this and that drives me to write. My voice wants to get heard and soul to seen.
With love and mixed thoughts,

Viivi Severina

And she lied…

I have always been good at lying. It’s skill I don’t know to be proud of or try to get rid off. I know how to make anyone believe anything. It has always been like that. I remember as child making something my sisters fault and never even getting caught. (I’m sorry if you read this someday!)

So why am I talking about this today? Because no one knows what I am planning. Like I have told my university results came out and I didn’t get in. The truth is I never ever wanted to go there. It’s crazy but I want to travel, live and not be the normal person. I feel like I can’t get trough another year here living this life.

So I lie.

Yes mom, I will apply to the job. Yes dad, I’m going to the open university. I’m smiling like it is true, like there is hope for me. It’s easy because there is other reasons for me to smile. I’m going to go. Not to job or to study. I’m going to go and disappear to the world.

I may take the place to study if I still get in but travel is currently my priority. It’s stupid and I know it. 21 years olds shouldn’t have impossible dreams and hopes for their life. I want to keep writing and traveling and make those my job. That is as impossible as it can get…

So I keep lying because I know what everyone would say. Silly girl you can’t do that. Go to school, get a job and live like everyone else. It’s not just my family who would keep me here if they know. My friends, almost random people in Facebook, the unknown neighbours, everyone. No one would believe it is possible to live that way. Probably many reading this won’t believe in me.

Lying is my self defense. It gives me cover when I am trying to run from my life. I have escaped once but ended up coming back. Now I am trying to go again and when you don’t see it coming I have already dissapeared.

Yes, lying is bad but for me it can safe a life. My life.
With love and lies,

Viivi Severina

 

Fight Until The End

She tells stories in her head, hopes someday someone will be able to read her mind. Then the reality hits hard. That day will never come. If she wants to share the adventures running around her head there is only one way. Only one destiny waiting for her.

The white paper is staring back at her. Screaming that there is no way for her to do this. Writing or better said being good at it is just dream. It will be just one of the stories in her head. One of the beautiful dreams repeating over and over again.

After first word she writes second, third ad fourth. After a while she starts to scream back for the paper. Puts sentence after sentence stories to its clean white surface. Even if this is going to be just one of the stories never happening she is not going down without fight. Because only way she knows how to live is by writing, she will fight until the end.