Secret Projects and Dreams Come True

Lately, I haven’t been blogging daily like I promised. But this time my reason is really valid. I have been keeping a secret from you. In fact, the last month has gone by me working on this secret project and let me tell you that it has turned me to trainwreck but also like a too excited child. Life is surprising.

So what’s my secret project?

This girl is going to have her own business!

Yeah, I’m not lying. Working as freelancer writer has gone so well recently that I have to start my own company to make everything easier. Sounds crazy. I’m 22 years old lost traveler and writer who still doesn’t know what she wants to do with her life. And soon I’m going to have my own business to maintain.

Is this the worst idea ever? Probably.
Have I ever let bad ideas stop me? No.
So, let’s see how this goes or how I fail!

It’s crazy to think that I’m almost living my dream. Most of the people of my age in Finland are still studying or working somewhere not so glamorous. On the other hand, I’m doing the things I have been dreaming for so long. My days will be full of writing. Mostly my own stories and then blog posts for others. I can work from anywhere. Maybe I will be next month in London, month after that in Tokyo and then just relax at home for a few weeks. Nothing is impossible anymore.

If you have been reading my blogs for some time, you may already know my story. But for others here is a small recap:

When I was still studying for my veterinary university exams, most of the free time I had during my prep school went by reading blogs. It was the first time I realized that some people really lived following their own rules. I wanted to be a nomad who travels around the world with only her laptop. After that year of studying, I ditched my life and went to Japan for three months. 

Returning home from Japan was terrible for my mental health. A few months went by and I started my travel blog to survive the normal life. A few more terrible choices made because of the society’s expectations and escaping to my adventures around the world every possible moment later, I ended up picking my own path. Studying creative writing in open university, writing for others and having too many blogs on my own.

Now I’m here almost three years after my dream started on those dull days studying biology, chemistry, and physics aka all the things I hate.

The fun thing is that I feel like this is only the beginning!

With love,

Viivi Living Her Dream

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Mission Impossible: Daily Blogging

The year 2018 has started and I’m ready to fail in my impossible mission for a lazy person like me. Yesterday was the first day of my daily blogging for one year challenge. I have shared this with a few friends and Twitter. Most people have wished me good luck, others called me crazy. My own mind is mostly just screaming out of fear, stress, and excitement. I love blogging so why shouldn’t I do it a daily thing?

This is probably a stupid idea and my history as a blogger has more than enough proof. I have had several blogs but all of them have died after the first year. Last year I promised to write twice a week and then after failing that once a week. Do I even need to admit that I failed in that too? Now my mind just decides that writing once a day is a perfect plan. Crazy, huh?

Yesterday I wrote the first post on my brand new review blog. It’s one of the things I am most amazed about. So easy to just write when you have no one who wants to read. No matter what you say or if the language sucks. There will be only a few people reading and if they don’t like it, they will just skip your blog. I haven’t felt like that for a long time. Not after I told my family about my travel blog and realized that it has over a thousand readers. Now I have close to three thousand people following my blog and writing anything feels impossible.

I am scared of failing.

Does anyone know how to get over these fears? Maybe the only way is to just keep writing. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. (I may have watched Finding Dory a few days ago…) Last autumn my university creative writing teacher got me hooked on reading writing guidebooks. That’s probably the biggest reason why this crazy idea of daily blogging came into my mind. There is one theme that keeps repeating itself in these books: Just write every day without caring for your inner voice telling that it’s a bad idea. 

Okay, no book says it like that. It’s always told more poetically and with fewer awkward words between. But the idea is same. If you keep writing consistently, it gets easier. Or well not easier but doing it everyday changes to routine and routine is often easy despite the task being hard.

I’m rambling while writing, aren’t I? You better get used to it. Writing every day also means writing without editing. Some people would accuse me of favoring quantity over quality. During all this creative writing I have studied during the last four months, I have learned to approach my blogging from a new point of view. The more you write the better you get at it. Later on, we can see if that’s a good thing.

If you are new here, welcome. I’m Viivi and I’m one big mess who owns too many blogs for her own good. Right now, I also try to live my dream life and that has killed my sense of reality. Feel free to follow this blog so you can read more odd posts or see my daily posts in LostViivi.com

What are your plans for the year 2018? Anything as crazy as mine?

With love,

Viivi with a plan (aka a bad idea)

10 Minutes Thursday

I have decided to start new writing series in this lost side blog of mine. If you don’t know, I started studying creative writing in university. And if you are ever studied writing in any way you may be familiar with this technique. 10 minutes of writing without stopping to think anything at any point. You just write whatever comes to your mind without editing or deleting. So, here is my first 10 minutes of writing the flow of my thoughts.
Expect to see more of this every Thursday!

I change my mind. I change my life. I change everything every day and every moment. I am allergic to staying, being and just getting stuck. My friends work towards that one goal they want. People I knew back at my childhood and teen years have families, homes and real work. I write, I travel and I change my plans daily.

My mind is running every second of the day. What new can I do today? What new can I try now? I try to be something totally different. Too long in one place is like death sentence for me. How can some people just keep living that same old life they were “meant to live”? I have wanted to be everything from rock start to astronaut and I still do even now. I may be adult but my mind keeps dreaming about these things others call silly.

I only have this one life but my mind wants to do hundred of different things. And that’s why I write. I write to live millions of lives in one lifetime. I write to see countries that don’t even exist and to fall in love with people who would never even see me in the real life. I write about fears and winning them so I will be strong. My stories are here to make me better person who can dream and achieve those dreams one by one. Never giving up.

Most people don’t get it. I never really speak about it. What writing means for me? Why do I write? I can’t even explain it with words. Writing is the only way to speak about it. I write to create something beautiful instead of seeing this scary ugly world outside of my window. Writing is my way of escaping. It’s my way of living.

With love,

Viivi Who Writes

Whatever I fail or succeed…

I am like small kid on her first day of school. Except I am literally dying because I am so scared. 30 minutes before I have to leave. 1 hour of driving before I will be there. My stress level is out of the roof. I don’t know if this is good or bed thing. I don’t think I have been this scared of anything in long time. Especially not about starting school. Is that good or bad sign?

Today is my first day in university. Today is the day I finally start studying something I have always dreamed of but never truly believed would be possible.

Creative writing.

I am going to study creative writing. My head is screaming that this is bad idea but at the same time that this is the only right route I can take. Writing is my thing. I has always been. I was one of the last people on my class at school who learned how to read and write but after I started there was no stopping me. Being writer would be the only right job for me.

But I already know today is going to be hard. There will be other people. People who are probably better than I. People who write amazing stories, who have experience and who know what they are doing. I have just never finished books, anxiety and doubt of my own skills. It’s always as hard to show my texts for others. My first reaction is always wait for the critic. I love writing but it doesn’t mean I am good at it, right?

My heart is bounding so loudly, hands shaking and stomach hurting. It’s hard to breath and there is this never ending screaming voice in my head. I am scared. I am so scared of this evening. And still there is this stubborn kid inside of me telling how I have finally found the right way.

I would give everything to just write everyday. I would stop traveling, I would stay locked in my room for weeks, I would only eat healthy food for the rest of my life. Anything to write. Be writer.

So, wish me luck. I am going to try with all I got. Whatever I fail or succeed. Whatever my fears are trying to take me down. This is my dream and the only thing I can really do with my life.

With love,

Viivi with Dreams

Always either lost or sick

I am sick. I should be writing my travel blog. But for some reason I just can’t do anything. I don’t feel like doing anything. I have been sleeping for hours. Last night I got over 13 hours of sleep so even if my body wants to rest my mind just keeps running wild. This is quite normal. One of my best friends put it well a while back: I am always either sick or lost. 

So, here I am writing like always when my mind can’t keep its calm or when it’s hard to fall asleep. Have you ever been like this? Too tired to do anything but too awake to fall asleep. Today I had short conversation with another of my friends of why I am always sick. He didn’t know about it. We have only known for a year and that time I have been surprisingly well. It brought some memories back to me.

My body gets sick easily and I think that I have problems with containing stress. Because of that I am sick all the time. But that’s not all. There has been times in my life when I used to be sick for months in row. And I am not talking about just some “oh I have cough” sickness. No, I have been sleeping for almost month like sleeping beauty because I just can’t stand up. Can’t remember a much from those times. It’s all just a blur.

I am used to being sick. In fact sometimes I even enjoy it. Well, not that feeling awful and sneezing all the time part but the part where I can download my own batteries by just relaxing. As person I am someone who can’t never really just be and do nothing. My mind is always full of things I haven’t done and at the same time I am always stressing about something. But then I fall sick and there is good reason to just be.

So, maybe me being often sick has something to do with my body trying to take break? Or my mind?

I don’t really know where I was going with this but hey I am sick so I can write whatever I want… (Like I didn’t usually just ponder random thoughts here!) Maybe it’s time for me to stop this odd post. Let’s blame my feverish brains, okay?

With love,

Dead Viivi

Back home but not really

Hello there!
How are you? I have just returned to home from my almost three weeks long trip around Eastern Europe and like always after coming back home I am kind of lost. I love just relaxing at home but at the same time I have too much time. Nothing has changed even if once again I have learned so many new things.

I have had an adventure that should change the whole world but everything is like before I left. My room is still a big mess and far from the point where I could even think about cleaning it. My family and friends still go to school and work like before I left. Everyone smiles and talks like I had been here all along. They have all the rights to continue their lives like before but it’s hard for me.

Every time I come back I want to leave again even more badly. My feet get itchy and mind wonders thousands of kilometers to other worlds. I can’t stop writing stories of my feelings. Maybe I am just meant to be wanderer who never returns? But then again I know that this three weeks was close to my own limit. Waking up in new city every other day is amazing but gets tiring after a while. I needed this break and still my mind just wants to go despite the tiredness of my body.

Traveling is addictive. It’s a little bit like smoking or using drugs. You know that being on the road all the time won’t be good for you. It’s stressful and it wears down your body. You know you shouldn’t and still you keep looking for those new flights like alcoholic for the bottle. You just have to and that’s it.

I have been at home for two days. Two full days and I already feel like my mind never truly returned. I love being at home. I love seeing my friends and family. I love sleeping in my own bed dreaming endlessly of nothing. I love just being here and relaxing in the safe environment I am used to. I love home but for some reason I can’t enjoy it for 100%. There is always this small voice telling me to go. Go and see new places, new worlds, new miracles.

Is this just me? Or is this one of the traveler problems we all have? Maybe I have just bad case of wanderlust or my mind is tired of the normal life. Whatever the reason is I am not sure how to control this. Writing seems to help. Writing this blog, writing stories and even writing work things. My two passions. Writing and traveling. I have to find the balance between them…

So, have you ever felt like this? What is in your mind after you have returned from big adventure?

With love,

Always Lost Viivi

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Scared of Writing

I have no idea what to write.

I am surprised that I have been writing my travel blog for year and half. Usually my blogging has stopped after the first few months. Now I have been writing bravely even when it has been tiring. And then these last two months happened. I have zero inspiration to write blog. I mean I truly want to and I have ideas but for some reason I just can’t find the strenght to start.

Writing is hard and complicated.

Having readers makes it easier but still so impossible at times. I feel like my English sucks. My posts are just too long and boring. I am writing things that no one wants to read. Why can’t it just be easy? Why I have to care so much?

I have so many stories I want to share with people who for some reason read my texts. I never wrote about my Gdansk or Brighton adventures. Both of those trips have many funny stories I want to tell. In Gdansk I met crazy umbrella man who made me hate gender stereotypes and in Brighton I fell all over again for solo travel. So many stories, so little inspiration.

Maybe that’s why I started writing for this blog again. I for some reason lost all my readers here when playing with hosting services and that may have been the best thing ever. About 20 readers. It feels like a freedom again. Maybe this will help me to find that feeling of writing without caring of anything.

It’s kind of funny that I am so stressed out of people reading my texts. Usually I am that person who cares of nothing. I travel even if my friends and family don’t think it is a good idea. I dress like I want and don’t use make-up just because it’s too tiring. It’s my life and I will do what I want. But this writing thing has always been my weak spot. I love it too much so any bad comment makes me panic. What if I am not good enough? What if this thing I love more than anything (even more than travel) won’t work out?

I have always been good at writing. Not so much in English but in Finnish. People have always praised my writings. During school years I always got full score from creative writing assignments. I loved writing and others loved reading my texts.

Right now I can easily say that writing is my thing and that I am good at it. One year ago the situation was totally different. If someone praised my writing, I thought they were just lying. When someone asked what I can do well, I always thought about writing but never said it out loud. I was ashamed. I still am sometimes but it is getting easier. There is so many people who are better than I at this creative writing thing so how could I ever be good enough in it.

I can now admit that writing is my thing and that I can’t do anything else with my life if I truly want to be happy. And that’s why writing is so scary. If I fail what is left of me? If writing doesn’t work out what can I do?

So, here I am stuck with these feelings. I have no idea how to get over them and maybe there is no other way than just keep writing.

With love,

Scaredy-Cat Viivi

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I don’t want to leave, but I can’t stay

Week before traveling is always the hardest but also the easiest time for me. I am never truly there. My mind is already traveling towards the soon to be adventures, new cities I will take over and those experiences only I can… well… experience. Whatever I do in the end my mind will go back to the things I have to pack, counting the minutes to my take-off and of course planning all the things I will do.

It is hard to be truly here back at home but at the same time it is a lot easier week when compared to other week of my back at home life. Why? I know that I am leaving soon. It may sound bad. I would love to be someone who loved to be back at home with her family and never leave everyone else behind. But I can’t and that’s why the days before traveling are some of the best ones I ever have back at home.

During these few days my mind is always at traveling but at the same time I am meeting so many friends, spending time with my family and trying to enjoy every second I have with them. I love being back at home because of these people so dear to me and still nothing could hold me here for too long. It makes week before traveling so important.

During this time I always remember why these people are so close to my heart and why I have to return after having my own small adventure.

Sometimes it feels like I am living between two words. I have two totally different personalities. I am Viivi who never wants to leave and I am Viivi who never wants to stay. It’s unsettling and still I wouldn’t change it to anything.

So, these next few days I will enjoy my life here back at home. I will meet friends, I will help my sister at moving to her first own home, I will eat Finnish food and live in my grandpa’s basement. But then on Sunday I will board the plane. I will go towards my new adventure, I will write all the time, I will meet new people, eat new foods and enjoy every second of this time I so badly need.

This is my life and for some odd reason I have grown to love it.

Sorry for yet another random text. I hope you are having an amazing day.
With love,

Viivi with mixed feelings 

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A little silly French man

Yesterday at work I met silly man. He came in the small shop I am working in greeting me too happily. He kept saying hello, hi and terve (Finnish greeting). I kept answering to his greetings because as awkward Finn I can’t be the last one to stop. Then he explained that he is from France. Parisian to be exact. He also said it in Finnish and told me that he can’t say anything else in my language.

“Anteeksi, anteeksi, anteeksi, olen ranskalainen…” (Sorry, sorry, sorry, I am French.)

We talked a little even if there was this huge language barrier between the two of us. Quiet Finn and too talkative French. What would we have in common?

A lot more than you think I realized after this silly little French man left. He bought Finland magnet and left my shop smiling widely. I continued working in now quiet shop but for some reason couldn’t stop smiling. Meeting with this man who was the total opposite of me made me realize something important. Something I have realized before during my travels but I tend to forget…

I’m not the only one scared to death of speaking English. I am not the only one who feels like they have to constantly apologize for not speaking it fluently. There is a lot of us and we come from all around the world. English is maybe even more hard from people coming from countries like French and Finland. We just don’t pronounce the words like people speaking English. Our language just doesn’t in the same category with English.

We may be insecure. Saying sorry comes automatically when we meet new person. But we can’t give up. This small French came to my work place and kept talking non-stop. There was words he didn’t pronounce like fluent English speakers. There was some things I didn’t understand and some words he corrected for himself even before I realized that there was something wrong. If it had been me, this story would be different.

I would leave the shop with panicky feelings and tears in my eyes. I would keep thinking it for days because “why can’t I just pronounce the stupid words like everyone else?”. I wouldn’t say sorry smiling like him. I would look the floor and mumble something no one can understand. It’s the difference between me and this bright man from France.

So what do the two of us have in common? In addition to not talking English fluently. We don’t give up. He had came to Finland where talkative people are feared like a death. I keep traveling even if every conversation I have to have in English will make me panic. He kept talking even if his language skills weren’t perfect. I keep trying even if my language skills are far from perfect.

I am not sure where I was going with this post bu I just wanted to share this small meeting I had with silly French man with someone. And I guess at the same time I just wanted to tell everyone that it’s okay to not speak perfect English. There is more of us who don’t speak it fluently than those who do. So, keep trying and failing as much as you want!

With love,

Awkward Viivi

 

I have been thinking…

I have been thinking.

Is life really worth living if you do something you don’t love from the bottom of your heart?

Is there really reason to be if you study something just because everyone expects you to do it. Or just because you don’t know what else to do so you just pick out the easiest route.

I have been thinking and it is never a good sign. I think everyone still remembers the last time because it ended up me leaving for Japan for three months. That time I returned even if I felt like it was the wrong decision. Someone asked me why I wouldn’t continue from Japan to Korea and to Taiwan, China, Philippines and to the whole world. I didn’t have answer for them. Everyone was waiting me back at home so I returned. For a few weeks it was okay. For a short moment I felt like I knew where I was going in my life.

And then I didn’t anymore.

I applied to universities but in the end I didn’t want to study any of the subjects. During the exams I was really sick and didn’t get in any of the places. Maybe I should have seen that as a sign to think again my life choices. I didn’t.

My mum found me open place from business school and against my own intuition I went there. What else would have I done? Where else would I have gone?

We are taught that life is long line of things you have to do. First school. Then you start working. The better pay you get the better life you will have. After working a while you will find love, get married, have children, buy your first own home. Then you work a little more until you retire. Perfect happy life.

Expect, I never saw myself living like that.

I never really had any dream professions. For the longest time I told for everyone that I wanted to be veterinarian. And in a way I wanted. When everyone kept asking me what I wanted to do when I grow up I had to come up with some kind of idea. Everyone else had one so of course I also had to have dream. Veterinarian was my choice because if I had to be stuck with one job for the rest of my life at least I would help some animals and humans at the same time.

It took me several years to realize that my dream job would never make me happy. I had decided it because saying veterinarian was easy. Because studying it would be easy and doing it for the rest of my life would be easy. It was job that made everyone else smile because it sounds good, the salary is good, it’s highly admired, it’s something everyone else saw me doing in the future.

I have been thinking and I have many dreams for my own future.

The problem?

I am not yet quite sure what those dreams are. Only recently I have started to think them more.  Today was probably the first day I intentionally began thinking ‘what are my dreams?’

Right now I only know a few things.

  • I love writing more than anything. If I could decide, I would write all day everyday.
  • Traveling makes me feel like I am truly living.
  • Blogging seems to be my thing and I am surprisingly good at it.
  • I have made some money writing blog posts and translating files. All the feedback has been positive until now.
  • Standing in one place for too long or doing one thing for the rest of my life seems impossible

But what do I want to do with my life?

Is there reason for me to study something I don’t want to do? How can I find the reason for my own life? Is there even way to find the meaning of life? Have some of us just made to live without purpose?

So many questions and no answers.

I have been thinking and I am lost. That’s never good combination.

With love,

Viivi Severina