I don’t want to leave, but I can’t stay

Week before traveling is always the hardest but also the easiest time for me. I am never truly there. My mind is already traveling towards the soon to be adventures, new cities I will take over and those experiences only I can… well… experience. Whatever I do in the end my mind will go back to the things I have to pack, counting the minutes to my take-off and of course planning all the things I will do.

It is hard to be truly here back at home but at the same time it is a lot easier week when compared to other week of my back at home life. Why? I know that I am leaving soon. It may sound bad. I would love to be someone who loved to be back at home with her family and never leave everyone else behind. But I can’t and that’s why the days before traveling are some of the best ones I ever have back at home.

During these few days my mind is always at traveling but at the same time I am meeting so many friends, spending time with my family and trying to enjoy every second I have with them. I love being back at home because of these people so dear to me and still nothing could hold me here for too long. It makes week before traveling so important.

During this time I always remember why these people are so close to my heart and why I have to return after having my own small adventure.

Sometimes it feels like I am living between two words. I have two totally different personalities. I am Viivi who never wants to leave and I am Viivi who never wants to stay. It’s unsettling and still I wouldn’t change it to anything.

So, these next few days I will enjoy my life here back at home. I will meet friends, I will help my sister at moving to her first own home, I will eat Finnish food and live in my grandpa’s basement. But then on Sunday I will board the plane. I will go towards my new adventure, I will write all the time, I will meet new people, eat new foods and enjoy every second of this time I so badly need.

This is my life and for some odd reason I have grown to love it.

Sorry for yet another random text. I hope you are having an amazing day.
With love,

Viivi with mixed feelings 

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Photo: Nik MacMillan

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The Traveler Who Lacks Courage

Today I wanted to talk you about something that has been on my mind recently.

Courage.

To be specific courage to travel. Now you may think how can the starting travel blogger be struggling with something so simple. Well any problem isn’t small if it prevents you from doing what you want.

So courage to travel. For me it’s something I radically lack. I have already given up with going to university right now (or to be clearer maybe that plan never was so important for me…) I know traveling is the next step for me to do.

BUT…

Yes, there is the big but named courage.

One personality trait I would give away right now is worrying. What if I fail? what will I do if I run out of money? I’m¬†probably not going to find a job. Everything will go badly and it will not be what I wanted from my life. What if I try to make this writing thing a life and don’t succeed? There is no other way for me to live

And so I stare my plans and don’t know what to do. I loaned Australia books from library but can’t open them. I check airline tickets to South Korea at least three times a day (on incognito browser because I know too much about traveling cheap). I have everything planned out: volunteering three months in Korea, going to working holiday in Australia and after that maybe living the life where I just keep traveling.

Only thing I don’t have it the courage to make my plans true. I haven’t shared them with anyone before this. I feel like telling someone means they will laugh at me and make my dreams nightmares.

Last time I bought the tickets without telling anyone and left before they even realized. This time I’m going to find my strength. Today I am going to tell my plan for my parents, friends and for my scared soul. It’s time to make my life my own.

 

With courage and love,

Neidotta