Whatever I fail or succeed…

I am like small kid on her first day of school. Except I am literally dying because I am so scared. 30 minutes before I have to leave. 1 hour of driving before I will be there. My stress level is out of the roof. I don’t know if this is good or bed thing. I don’t think I have been this scared of anything in long time. Especially not about starting school. Is that good or bad sign?

Today is my first day in university. Today is the day I finally start studying something I have always dreamed of but never truly believed would be possible.

Creative writing.

I am going to study creative writing. My head is screaming that this is bad idea but at the same time that this is the only right route I can take. Writing is my thing. I has always been. I was one of the last people on my class at school who learned how to read and write but after I started there was no stopping me. Being writer would be the only right job for me.

But I already know today is going to be hard. There will be other people. People who are probably better than I. People who write amazing stories, who have experience and who know what they are doing. I have just never finished books, anxiety and doubt of my own skills. It’s always as hard to show my texts for others. My first reaction is always wait for the critic. I love writing but it doesn’t mean I am good at it, right?

My heart is bounding so loudly, hands shaking and stomach hurting. It’s hard to breath and there is this never ending screaming voice in my head. I am scared. I am so scared of this evening. And still there is this stubborn kid inside of me telling how I have finally found the right way.

I would give everything to just write everyday. I would stop traveling, I would stay locked in my room for weeks, I would only eat healthy food for the rest of my life. Anything to write. Be writer.

So, wish me luck. I am going to try with all I got. Whatever I fail or succeed. Whatever my fears are trying to take me down. This is my dream and the only thing I can really do with my life.

With love,

Viivi with Dreams

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So…University? Or..?

It’s again that time of the year! I have to throw dices, pick eyes shut and randomly decide universities to apply for. I know I am in one right now but this isn’t really my thing and my parents (+everyone else) thinks that I should study something different.

Problem?

I have no idea what! So this post is basically going to be me not applying anywhere, trying to find THAT right university for myself and of course random talk about nothing important. So… are you ready? Let’s get random and try to solve this impossible puzzle of my school problems.

Right now I am studying business in small city far far away from my home town. It is not ideal but I have liked some of the subject we study here. Marketing is something I would see myself studying more but I totally suck at it so probably not the best career choice. I am extremely good at money, legal, computer and documentation things but I have totally slept through all those classes because it was too easy. I would die to boredom if I had to study more of that.

One possible option: studying business remotely.

+ I LOVE remote and internet studying
+ Possible to do the work anywhere
+ More travelling? And blogging?
+ Those interesting marketing courses
– Limited possibilities / only a few different courses
– Where would I live? Going back to home is not option…
– What would be my future career?
– Two days / a month ‘real’ school days

If I choose that remote studying option, the next step is to choose do I want to continue in the school I am right now or do I was to try to get in some other school. My current university is nice but it’s expensive to come here for a few days every month. Problem is that I don’t know if I can get in to other similar universities from my university.

Old dream: Psychology

+ I studied all possible courses in high school
+ Talking with people, reading others, etc. is my strength
+ I dreamed about this for a few years
– Hard to get in
– I am not sure if this is my dream anymore

Psychology was something I really enjoyed in high school. Other courses I never really studied or tried but in my psychology classes I was always listening, writing things up and really trying. In the end I never even tried to get in. I don’t even know why. Maybe it just isn’t my thing?

New interest: Translation & English

+ Apparently I am good translator
+ I enjoy translating and could see it as my job
+ I can study English literature at the same time
– My spoken English is bad so…
– It seems quite boring thing to study
– Once again is my English good enough?

I have done quite a few translating gigs this year and it seems like I have found my hidden talent. I even enjoy doing it. However I am not sure if it is something I want to do for the rest of my life. It’s only something I would see myself doing for a while. Also there (and in entrance exams) I have to speak English and I just can’t pronounce any words…

What even is this? Cultural Producer

+ Sounds interesting and combines all things I love
+ Partly remote program
+ Culture is always good thing
– I am not leader
– I have no idea what this career would be
– My parents would never agree

I just found this field of study but I have no idea what it really is. Well, I have a few days to find more information. Maybe it’s my thing?

For my writer side: Journalism

+ I love writing
– I don’t see myself as journalist
– I could never write “official” texts

Why can’t there just be job that would allow me to travel the world, write for hours everyday, meet new people, volunteer and keep learning different kind of subjects forever? I am lost case. Nothing interests me. How can I even choose one thing to do for the rest of my life??!?

There is so many more universities and fields I could talk about but I am now feeling so helpless that let’s not talk more about that. I didn’t really find any interesting subjects! So many options and still nothing that fits me.

 

Any tips how to find that right future career for me? (Don’t suggest career tests because those always tell that I would be good priest, relationship counselor, entrepreneur or librarian… No thanks!) 

Do you have any problems with deciding your future career? Or did you have these problems before? And like always all comments are welcome (even if you wanted to tell me about your day!)

With love,

Viivi Severina

I Need Insane Courage

Few days ago I published the article linked below in my travel blog. I really needed the message it was trying to tell. I have been missing from internet (meaning not much time for blogging, social media, etc.) for exactly week today. If you are now asking what happened to me, let me tell you shortly.

Week ago I got confirmation from school. I got in to study business. It was little crazy because I only had two days before my school would start far away from my home. I didn’t have apartment, nor did I know the city I would be living the next three years.

Somehow I survived to this new scary city and even successfully attended to my first four school days. Only negative sides I have to say is that I’m so tired my writing won’t probably make a lot of sense (sorry…)

Yeah, but just wanted to update you that I’m still alive and will soon write more about my embarrassing and interesting school life. (Embarrassing because I’m the world’s most awkward person and my attempts to make friends are not been pretty to watch…)

I hope you are having amazing start for your week!
With love,

Viivi Severina

— — — — — — — — — —

 

I’m addicted to getting lost. Walking unknown paths, not having map, getting scared of unfamiliar streets. Some people would say I am crazy. And maybe that is why I keep most of my los…

Source: Travel Rant: Insane Courage

Not Enough

Yesterday I sat twenty minutes in car with my mum. The whole time she told me reasons why I should apply to the agricultural school. I have kept saying that I don’t want to go there. I will be miserable if I have to study that subject for another three years. She doesn’t listen.

She says it’s the only place I can get in. That I can’t do other jobs. It’s like meant to be. I already have studied animals, it’s close to home and I would easily get internship from my dad’s big company. Everything seems perfectly fit in. Expect me.

Even if that job and school was meant to be does it matte if I’m going to go insane doing it? I already know it would destroy me. This may sound dramatic but it is the truth. There is no way I will be drown back to the gray normal. I will not anymore do something others want and cause losing my own meaning.

I need challenges. I’m scared of average, not being enough, living my life just doing fine but never great. I’m scared to death that I will never find my meaning in this life. And that drives me to fight.

What my mum doesn’t get is that trying to make me do something will just backfire. The more people doubt me the more determined I am to walk my own road. My life is constant fight against the expectations. Going through my own dreams but never revealing them for anyone in the fear of getting laughed at.

So I’m going to fight once again. This is my life and my decisions. No one (even the people close to me) can’t tell me what to do. I may be stupid walking my own road but at least I don’t need to think “what if” in the future.

Keep fighting!

Viivi Severina

University? Travel? No idea…

Hello!My university entrance exam results just come out and no big surprises there. I didn’t get in. Although I am in position that if 11 persons don’t take their places I will get in. However very unlikely.

So what now?

I have no idea. Right away after revealing to my mom that I didn’t get in she started to rant how I should now try to find job. That’s probably true. I already had one gap year so this another one I should life like adult.

If you have read my travel blog you know that I grave to see the world. I won’t listen mom’s advice even if I will walk towards my own doomed life. Traveling isn’t easy. Without money it is almost impossible.

For my own bad luck (or good luck. Depend how you want to see it.) I have always been the person who wants to break all the odds. When someone tells me I can’t do it, nothing is stopping me from proving them wrong.

Really, so what now?

Well I have Helpx site open and I am trying to look for place/hostel to volunteer for couple of months. Then I should decide some kind of job to do. Working holiday in Australia or New Zealand? Cruise ship work? Something else?

Someone hire me to travel the world! Please?

With love,

Neidotta

Tomorrow Changes Everything

Hi there! Today I was going to post my travel diary from Sweden but I have been so stressed out that it’s still not ready. Basically my university exam results can come out any moment but at the latest tomorrow. To add my stress currently the site where I can see them isn’t working.

So now I am waiting and tomorrow probably staring the web site until I see the results. I’m so scared. One day and I will know how my life is going to play out.

I don’t have any plan right now. I don’t even know how to inform the school that I will take the place if I get accepted in. I don’t know if I want or not to go to school. I’m big mess without future plans.

What if I just want to write and travel?

With love,

Neidotta